Dropping the Bomb: A user's guide
I had a conversation with a female friend of mine, and she related to me the unfortunate story of her interaction with a guy she met.
APPARENTLY, she met this guy and they were talking about a shared interest (I believe it was break-dancing) and they hit it off quite well. At the end of the interaction, she was SHOCKED to learn from friends that the guy found her quite intriguing and wanted to date her.
So I said... well DUH.
Ladies (and I am not just flapping my gums, there ARE women who read this site. I drank tonic water from a hat with a couple of them on St. Patrick's Day and promised I would write about it), you should stand unamazed if you discover that a guy has a thing for you.
I hearken here to a classic movie about men and women and the way they interact. No, it is not a porno, I have a BIT more class than that. The movie to which I refer is "When Harry Met Sally" with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. In that movie, one of my favourite conversations went something like this:
Harry: Men and women can't just be friends
Sally: What do you mean?
Harry: I mean that if you're friends with someone, and you're not interested in him, then he's interested in you.
Sally: But you and I are friends and you're not interested in me
Harry: (Awkward silence)
Met: Are you guys gonna need me today?
Okay so maybe I am paraphrasing a LOT, but there is a lot of truth in that. I can't count the number of times that I have met someone who seems really cool and we appear to have a lot in common and I would like to get to know better (in a naked sort of way), only to find out they have a boyfriend. Or WORSE, when you finally screw up the courage to ask someone out that you've been friends with for a while, and only THEN do they drop the bomb that they are currently letting someone else use them for sex.
Well Skivven, you might say, how can such a thing be avoided?
To this question I reply... WHO THE HELL IS SKIVVEN? Why is EVERYONE calling me Skivven?
But there IS an answer to this.
First of all, I want to make a disclaimer, or a caveat if you will:
Women, if you meet a guy, and you hit it off and you have a lot in common and you have a long meaningful conversation, HE IS LIKELY INTERESTED IN YOU!
Women, if a guy asks you to go out, and you don't have the kind of relationship where you go out and do stuff, or you don't hang out regularly, HE IS LIKELY ASKING YOU ON A DATE!
Men, WOMEN DO NOT KNOW THIS!
Okay, so let's run through a little scenario. Steve and Jennifer meet through a mutual acquaintance. Steve is currently not seeing anybody, whereas Jennifer has been dating her boyfriend for a few months. For illustrative purposes, internal monologue is being supplied.
Steve: Hi Jennifer, nice to meet you. (Wow, nice hair, cute face, so-so in the boob department, 8.5/10)
Jennifer: Hi Steve, back at you. (I hope my hair looks all right, so that I can attract guys who I will frustrate because THEY CANNOT HAVE ME!)
Steve: Matt was telling me you're into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That's right.
Steve: That's awesome. So few SCBers around these parts. We should go grab coffee sometime and compare notes. (I do so hope she says yes, as she seems like a swell girl, and I would so enjoy rogering her thoroughly)
Jennifer: Yeah, I've been SCBing since I was young. That's actually how I got this scar on my inner thigh. (Am I kidding? My hair looks GREAT! I wish my boobs weren't so so-so though)
Steve: That certainly is an impressive-looking scar. Got any more you want to show me? (Dude, she might be hitting on me)
Jennifer: Only one, but I can't really show you here, there's too many people around. (I'm sooooo pretty. Prettier than THAT bitch, anyways...)
Steve: Well maybe we can get together sometime and I'll show you the back seat of my car. (Dude, she IS hitting on me!)
Jennifer: That sounds like fun. (Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty)
I realize this conversation is a little brief, that in real life it would have been a bit more prolonged, but for the purposes of this issue it is a sufficient case study. What Jennifer SHOULD have done is something like the following:
Steve: Matt was telling me you're into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That's right. It's funny, so few guys like SCB. I tried to get my boyfriend started on it, but all he's really interested in doing is giving me multiple orgasms. *Sigh* Boys, eh?
Steve: Yeah, it's true, mostly chicks. (Phew, I am ever so glad that she told me that she is seeing someone. Now I know the score, and can plan the rest of my interaction accordingly)
Now there is a right way and a wrong way to do this:
Boy: Hi there.
Girl: BACK OFF! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
Boy: Wow! You're a total bitch!
WRONG!!!
Boy: Hi there.
Girl: Hello
Boy: Have you seen that new movie?
Girl: No, but my boyfriend and I talked about it.
Boy: Wow! You must read Porocrom! Here is $50.
RIGHT!!!
Nobody needs to get that thrown in their face. Try to work it in casually. The best way to do it is to make it seem like you didn't do it at all.
Now some of you will be saying "Wait a sec, why don't guys just ASK? Wouldn't that solve the problem?" While it would solve the problem, it would also make the situation MORE awkward rather than less. Not only that, but nobody likes putting themselves out on the line like that.
Other, more intelligent people will say "Wait a sec, why is this only for women? Don't guys do this all the time?" My answer is: probably, but I've never seen it, having never tried to pick up a guy before. So guys, try to drop it in casually. But be forewarned, some girls will turn into total bitches when they realize that you won't be curling their toes that evening.
All of these secrets as well as tips on how to subtlely work your significant other into conversation will appear in my book: "Love, sex, relationships, and other things I am not at all qualified to talk about" soon to be released from Porocrom Publishing.
APPARENTLY, she met this guy and they were talking about a shared interest (I believe it was break-dancing) and they hit it off quite well. At the end of the interaction, she was SHOCKED to learn from friends that the guy found her quite intriguing and wanted to date her.
So I said... well DUH.
Ladies (and I am not just flapping my gums, there ARE women who read this site. I drank tonic water from a hat with a couple of them on St. Patrick's Day and promised I would write about it), you should stand unamazed if you discover that a guy has a thing for you.
I hearken here to a classic movie about men and women and the way they interact. No, it is not a porno, I have a BIT more class than that. The movie to which I refer is "When Harry Met Sally" with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. In that movie, one of my favourite conversations went something like this:
Harry: Men and women can't just be friends
Sally: What do you mean?
Harry: I mean that if you're friends with someone, and you're not interested in him, then he's interested in you.
Sally: But you and I are friends and you're not interested in me
Harry: (Awkward silence)
Met: Are you guys gonna need me today?
Okay so maybe I am paraphrasing a LOT, but there is a lot of truth in that. I can't count the number of times that I have met someone who seems really cool and we appear to have a lot in common and I would like to get to know better (in a naked sort of way), only to find out they have a boyfriend. Or WORSE, when you finally screw up the courage to ask someone out that you've been friends with for a while, and only THEN do they drop the bomb that they are currently letting someone else use them for sex.
Well Skivven, you might say, how can such a thing be avoided?
To this question I reply... WHO THE HELL IS SKIVVEN? Why is EVERYONE calling me Skivven?
But there IS an answer to this.
First of all, I want to make a disclaimer, or a caveat if you will:
Women, if you meet a guy, and you hit it off and you have a lot in common and you have a long meaningful conversation, HE IS LIKELY INTERESTED IN YOU!
Women, if a guy asks you to go out, and you don't have the kind of relationship where you go out and do stuff, or you don't hang out regularly, HE IS LIKELY ASKING YOU ON A DATE!
Men, WOMEN DO NOT KNOW THIS!
Okay, so let's run through a little scenario. Steve and Jennifer meet through a mutual acquaintance. Steve is currently not seeing anybody, whereas Jennifer has been dating her boyfriend for a few months. For illustrative purposes, internal monologue is being supplied.
Steve: Hi Jennifer, nice to meet you. (Wow, nice hair, cute face, so-so in the boob department, 8.5/10)
Jennifer: Hi Steve, back at you. (I hope my hair looks all right, so that I can attract guys who I will frustrate because THEY CANNOT HAVE ME!)
Steve: Matt was telling me you're into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That's right.
Steve: That's awesome. So few SCBers around these parts. We should go grab coffee sometime and compare notes. (I do so hope she says yes, as she seems like a swell girl, and I would so enjoy rogering her thoroughly)
Jennifer: Yeah, I've been SCBing since I was young. That's actually how I got this scar on my inner thigh. (Am I kidding? My hair looks GREAT! I wish my boobs weren't so so-so though)
Steve: That certainly is an impressive-looking scar. Got any more you want to show me? (Dude, she might be hitting on me)
Jennifer: Only one, but I can't really show you here, there's too many people around. (I'm sooooo pretty. Prettier than THAT bitch, anyways...)
Steve: Well maybe we can get together sometime and I'll show you the back seat of my car. (Dude, she IS hitting on me!)
Jennifer: That sounds like fun. (Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty)
I realize this conversation is a little brief, that in real life it would have been a bit more prolonged, but for the purposes of this issue it is a sufficient case study. What Jennifer SHOULD have done is something like the following:
Steve: Matt was telling me you're into synchronized cattle-birthing too.
Jennifer: That's right. It's funny, so few guys like SCB. I tried to get my boyfriend started on it, but all he's really interested in doing is giving me multiple orgasms. *Sigh* Boys, eh?
Steve: Yeah, it's true, mostly chicks. (Phew, I am ever so glad that she told me that she is seeing someone. Now I know the score, and can plan the rest of my interaction accordingly)
Now there is a right way and a wrong way to do this:
Boy: Hi there.
Girl: BACK OFF! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
Boy: Wow! You're a total bitch!
WRONG!!!
Boy: Hi there.
Girl: Hello
Boy: Have you seen that new movie?
Girl: No, but my boyfriend and I talked about it.
Boy: Wow! You must read Porocrom! Here is $50.
RIGHT!!!
Nobody needs to get that thrown in their face. Try to work it in casually. The best way to do it is to make it seem like you didn't do it at all.
Now some of you will be saying "Wait a sec, why don't guys just ASK? Wouldn't that solve the problem?" While it would solve the problem, it would also make the situation MORE awkward rather than less. Not only that, but nobody likes putting themselves out on the line like that.
Other, more intelligent people will say "Wait a sec, why is this only for women? Don't guys do this all the time?" My answer is: probably, but I've never seen it, having never tried to pick up a guy before. So guys, try to drop it in casually. But be forewarned, some girls will turn into total bitches when they realize that you won't be curling their toes that evening.
All of these secrets as well as tips on how to subtlely work your significant other into conversation will appear in my book: "Love, sex, relationships, and other things I am not at all qualified to talk about" soon to be released from Porocrom Publishing.
posted by Crommunist at 11:22 PM
24 Comments:
This is entirely too true. It takes all of two seconds to say "I'm not single" and saves a WHOLE lot of embarrassment. And from someone who has hit on guys...they're pretty obvious about whether they're single or not...beats me why women can't do the same.
Thank-you for referring to our friends' St. Patrick's Day festivities. We do indeed read your site and we love you as much as we love drinking out of hats in AHS. Now on the topic of this blog, you certainly know the inner workings of the womans' mind well. I AM pretty!
some women might also know that you're interested BUT pretend they don't on purpose as an ego booster, you know, to have a guy stringing along while she could care less...that's when you come up to her and say 'BITCH!" and slap her HAHA
I would like to take a moment here to acknowledge the fans.
That's right, Porocrom loves Christine... and Yo Mama too... (I know who this is but I'm not telling)
So yeah, KEEP POSTING COMMENTS. More comments means more posts because we don't feel so aloooooone.
Thank you for clearing that up, crommie-dearest!
Apparently some chiks think that talking to a guy all night is more merciful than crushing him with the boyfriend-zinger.
And I say to them - FOR SHAME!!!!
There's nothing more repulsive than a cock-tease.
By the way, in reference to Yo Mama's comment, I would have to agree. Slapping the bitch right then and there would not only provide vindication, it would also serve as a kind of "divine" retribution towards her and would also be the climax in the plot (so the viewers would enjoy it too), but unfortunately, slapping girls is very much frowned upon in our society. WTF BITCH, it's just a little slap on the cheek, it's not like it hurts or anything. I guess the ego hurts more than the cheek, but why can girls slap guys and guys can't slap girls?! Damn double standards!
yoyo! this is indeed kelly scarlett, and i won't hold the misspelling of the last name against you either, don't worry. i know you were worried, don't lie. before commenting, i would just like to point out that after my rushing to your aid with the low comment count, your comments are WAY UP! YAY!
a/w, in response to your advice, its all well and good on paper, but let me tell you it does not work in practice. because i work the boyfriend comment in as soon as i can, on a regular basis, and this only deters normal guys. the weirder ones continue trying even after the dropping of the b-bomb. B-BOMB!! here is an example of an ACTUAL EXCHANGE between me and one of the schulich freaks i'm forced to deal with on a regular basis:
me: i see you have a watch, so does my boyfriend! small world!
him: you wanna make out?
NO LIES this happened. so yes, i would like it if your advice actually worked in real life, but unfortunately there are too many freakshow guys out there who are all drawn to me for some reason, and who do not seem to care that i'm mentioning my boyfriend so that they will lay off the make-out requests.
-kelly
Well yes, but the boyfriend thing is not meant to be as much a deterrent as a warning. So you have the clear conscience that you did tell a (potentially normal) guy that you have a boyfriend. If he's a savage horny beast, it won't be your fault.
I want to meet the guy with the gall to actually say that to someone... I mean it's low-down and classless, but damn if it isn't ballsy.
By the way, I have noticed that all the guys I know think that women are bitches and the women I know think that men are pigs (they're both right, from what I have seen). Noone ever meets a good guy/girl, and yet all my friends are good guys/girls. How come they always meet all the bitches/bastards, I'll never know. I think it's some kind of conspiracy. Has anyone else noticed this?
hahaha you definitely DO NOT want to meet him. he is the worst person i know. to illustrate this, i will let you know that not only did he proposition me several times while knowing i had a boyfriend, but he also did it IMMEDIATELY after finding out that my grandfather died. his exact quote was "if you need someone to make out with you to comfort you, i'm always here for you" or something to that effect. yes i know i said it was the exact quote, but you know it was like a year ago. but the point of this story is, you do not want to meet him because he is vile.
kelly
ps: i totally feel that meeting bastards yet having friends who are not bastards thing. but perhaps this is because i attend school with the most terrible people ever, who can really tell?
Haha, how thoughtful of him :P By the way, meeting vile people is also great because you can't kick good peoples' asses, so that serves a purpose there. As for the bastards thing, I don't think it's specific to you, as it's universal, I hear about it everywhere I go.
P.S. OMG WE ARE TWO PEOPLE, I AM NOT IAN. Kthx.
As a previous subject matter on one of crommunist's blogs, I must contribute if I may. It is definitely a help on the matter with the so-called dropping of the b bomb ( i love that ) It is very much a help to discern the overly secure to the semi secure woman who worries that her bf can't even fend off another wanton guy...
much has changed since the summer I must also say crommunist
PS...this is park services man ;)
It seems that I have attained invisibility once again! Should I use it for good, or for evil? I shall sleep on it.
I'd use it to peek in on hot chicks in the shower while they're "entertaining" themselves.... but i'm a perv...
Oh yeah, I'm definitely going to do that...
I am sorry Poromenos...I did not mean to offend. I was just commenting on the blog with allusion to Crommunists that he mentioned about I in the summer. Credit shall be given where credit is due... and I was aware from the time that I first started reading the blogs that there were two people not one!!!!! HAHAAaaaaaa
BEEEEEAAAAMMM!!!
and why is the time messed up on these things????
Nah, no offense taken. It's just that Crommunist gets all the chicks, they meet us when we go to the bar and they come up to him and say "OMG UR TEH GUY TAHT RITES ON TEH BLOG OMG I WANT 2 HAEV UR BABIZ ^_^" and I'm like "wtf". And maybe you didn't set your timezone correctly in the preferences page.
Pee Eater!
And also, Poro's depiction of what happens when we go to the bar is 100% accurate. I am now the father of a slew of children by anonymous blog groupies. Keep 'em coming ladies.
Also:
20 comments! YIKES. Congrats to you all and we love you. Our apologies for not posting anything recently. No fear, good stuff is coming soon.
Poro, my dear, I <3 you but you got the story totally wrong. She is single. He wasn't chatting with her. She was chatting with her friends. He came and nearly SAT on her then told her that he likes her. She said thank you and returned to the conversation with her friends. She did not lead him on. :P
Anyhow, whatever happened to trying to stir up a conversation first? How can you see someone across the room, approach them, then tell them "I really like you"? If any girl falls for that line, she needs to get her head checked.
-K
Kath my dear, I <3 you but you got the story totally wrong. This post is a few days old, I didn't write it, and it's not about you at all. Let's have sex anyway.
Heh. This post is not wholly different from a post I wrote on a similar matter. Nice going.
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