Porocrom's Crappaper

We've moved!

2005-06-15T04:20:00.000+03:00

Don't worry, we haven't gone soft! We remain as crappy as ever, but this time our crappiness is faster, better and more full-featured! We have moved to a (hopefully) better host with tons of new features, so update your bookmarks now, and tell all your friends to visit it or DIE!The new URL is http://porocrom.poromenos.org. Thank you for bearing with us.Update: Thank you to all the people that

Educational Songs.

2005-06-14T18:50:00.000+03:00

I was listening to the new hit by the popular Rhythm and Blues artist Jennifer Lopez, and it is apparently featuring a mister "Fabolous"(sic?). Now, this mister Fabolous appears to be very good at math because he is constantly raising variables to various powers, for example "J to the lo" and "F to the a b".Now, I am no mathematician, so I can only assume that these are various complex numbers,

Date me, Kate!

2005-06-06T20:48:00.000+03:00

Today, as I was journeying deep in the vast jungle that is the Intarweb, I came upon a site called Date me, Natalie!. It is about a guy who attempts to get Natalie Portman to date him through word-of-mouth and clever internet marketing. Seeing as how this blog already has reached fifteen billion people (don't believe the counter on the side over there, it's lying) in the known universe, I decided

Your own cult: A HOWTO.

2005-05-27T00:25:00.000+03:00

Cults. They are everywhere. People follow greasy, smelly individuals and worship them as Gods. How can this be? We at Porocrom have prepared a special guide for you, the amateur cult founder. Following these simple guidelines, you too can have your very own cult in only a few days*.First and foremost, you need to find a Catchy Concept for your cult. This is the basis upon all else will be built.

MSN, the darker side

2005-05-26T09:21:00.000+03:00

Every once in a while, something happens to give me faith in humankind. Maybe we are not hell-bent on being the destroyers of the world that gives us life. Perhaps we have grown more intelligent as a species and culture. Perhaps there is hope for us all.Then I open my MSN.It is (largely) as though Microsoft hung a big shingle that says "All stupid people please apply". Now I could (and sometimes

My Nobel prize.

2005-05-14T19:48:00.000+03:00

The Nobel prizes. The Oscars of the intellectual world. The most illustrious ceremony since Moses parted the seas. The ultimate prize someone can get. The biggest fallacy since the female orgasm.Yes, that's right. The Nobel prizes are FAKE. Big, fat fakers, all of them. We at Porocrom bring you another startling discovery, with concrete proof which we shall show you momentarily (and by

Performing a public service

2005-05-10T06:39:00.000+03:00

So I'm back in Brampton for the summer, which means I have access to two things I don't know how I live without: 1) The newspaper 2) My dad's car (the mean green machine). Reading the newspaper and driving around has brought to my attention two startling facts.1) Police brutality and road rage are on the rise2) The average person does not know how to drive.So I put on my problem-solving-cap (

Disasters in Marketing

2005-04-23T16:13:00.000+03:00

There have been some pretty astounding products invented in our time.- The clock... an incredible synthesis of intuition and failed practical jokes: "Hey Stavros, could you look directly into the sun and tell me what time it is?" "Sure just a... WAIT A MINUTE! You can't fool me with that trick more than 7 times!"- The radio... what a marvel of human intuition. Using rays that nobody can even see,

Tying your shoelaces.

2005-04-22T17:23:00.000+03:00

You do it every day. You get up, stumble into the kitchen, make yourself a cup of coffee, get dressed and washed up, put on your shoes and you're off to work. Yet, in this simple succession of events, it is easy to forget the most important of all: Tying your shoelaces.Indeed, where would you be without tying your shoelaces? Probably lying in a puddle of mud somewhere, that's where. The secret

Dreams.

2005-04-22T03:50:00.001+03:00

Fellow men. I would like to alert you to a clear and present danger that threatens to destroy our very free will. I am talking about the insidious tactic of women invading our dreams and causing us to fall in love with them.When I was younger I heard somewhere the notion that a girl prayed to God to make her get into the dream of the man she loved and make him love her back. At the time, I was

Practical jokes.

2005-04-18T12:29:00.000+03:00

Tired of doing the same boring stuff every day? Is your life a mundane routine? Are you ugly? If you answered "yes" to any of the above, you are in the right place. We at Porocrom strive to give you the best and only the best, and we've done it again. After years of painstaking research, we give you...Practical jokes: How to laugh at other people's expense.Pet ransom: Find a "missing pet" sign (

My dream car.

2005-04-11T21:29:00.000+03:00

Today I will write about my dream car. It is a car I have dreamt of having ever since I was 8 and I saw the pope on a visit to some odd country, or maybe it was his non-country, the Vatican, the only place in the world where homosexual marriages are allowed.If you are not familiar with it, the popemobile is a dope ride. The pope gets out on his balcony, flashes his flashlight on the sky,

Dropping the Bomb: A user's guide

2005-03-21T23:22:00.000+02:00

I had a conversation with a female friend of mine, and she related to me the unfortunate story of her interaction with a guy she met.APPARENTLY, she met this guy and they were talking about a shared interest (I believe it was break-dancing) and they hit it off quite well. At the end of the interaction, she was SHOCKED to learn from friends that the guy found her quite intriguing and wanted to

Movie Review: Hercules

2005-03-16T02:36:00.000+02:00

No, not the Disney one...I was bored on a Saturday morning, flipping through channels on TV, when I came across what may be the GREATEST B-movie (described by someone on IMDB as a Triple-Z movie) I have ever seen.HERCULESWhere to start... for those of you who aren't familiar with the story of Hercules (or Heracles, if you swing that way) you can read it here or just take my word for it, it's

Bands I Like: Part III

2005-03-12T08:24:00.000+02:00

This has been a long time in coming, but I wanted to wait until I did a BIL about this particular artist.I first encountered him through a video for "Wonderful (It's Superman)" on Much Music. The song is a really peppy up-beat tune, perfect for driving. I sing you this song, so you can see Whatever became of me This summer I will wait under your cherry tree Just to hear

Magic!

2005-03-10T02:17:00.000+02:00

So, you are watching David Copperfield or some other loser who didn't get a real job and so decided to start making cards disappear for a living, and you are absolutely stunned and dumbfounded by the magician's tricks like the dumbass you are. Today, we at Porocrom will reveal to you the deepest secrets of the art of prestidigitation, secrets these so-called "magicians" do not want you to know.

FUBS - the silent killer

2005-02-26T18:11:00.000+02:00

I have searched high and low for a cause worthy of being promoted on this blog. Testicular cancer, juvenile diabetes, skydiving lessons for uppity rich women... none of these can compare to the charity I am championing in this post. Please friends, dig deep and give all you can to help stop this terrible disease that affects us all.FUBSFor those of you not familiar with Fat Ugly Bitch Syndrome,

Valentine gifts that say "I'm breaking up with you".

2005-02-15T03:30:00.000+02:00

I know it's a bit late for this, but who cares, it's not like I have anything better to do. Valentine's day has come and gone again, and I know that many of you want to dump that skanky bitch girlfriend of yours, but you don't want to do it on Valentine's day (by the way, Valentine's day sucks, like the other "something" days, it's just an excuse for people to remember what they forget all year

Choose this!

2005-02-13T16:48:00.000+02:00

I was having a rather enjoyable discussion with some friends recently, when the argument that the woman is the one who chooses the man came up. I can see how one might arrive at this fallacy, if they take into account the following scenario:Man sees woman.Man talks to woman.Woman either spreads legs, or slaps man in the face.At this point, many argue that the woman has made the choice, which

How to behave in public

2005-02-07T22:11:00.000+02:00

So I took the bus home from school (as is usual for me) and sitting at the back was some punk high-school kid with torn jeans and an open shirt, and his semi-sleazy girlfriend. I hadn't even made it to my seat before Punk stuck his tongue down Sleaze's throat. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I assumed that she had a particle of food stuck back there and he was giving her mouth-to-mouth, or

Bands I Like: Part II

2005-01-24T06:11:00.000+02:00

It's been long overdue (I know some of you are still waiting on that Cake album review for Pressure Chief - I'm not doing it), but here is the second installment of BANDS I LIKE This week I'll be talking about Winnepeg's own The Weakerthans I first heard The Weakerthans when I saw the video for "Our Retired Explorer" on Much Music. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a look. A guy lives

Cooking: Tortellini con Prosciutto

2005-01-22T21:20:00.000+02:00

Hello dear reader, and welcome. I would like to inaugurate our new section, aptly entitled "Cooking". Do you live alone, and you are too lazy to cook yourself? Is your girlfriend a worthless bitch and she couldn't cook to save her life? Are you tired of eating out and spending a fortune on Big Macs? Do all cookbooks assume like you have all day to cook and a servant to keep your fridge

Harnessing the awesome power of shit!

2005-01-17T14:02:00.000+02:00

It is a few months ago. I wake up as usual, and stumble over to the kitchen to see if there is anything to eat. There never is, so I wait until midday to order some takeout, which promptly arrives a few minutes later. Neither I nor the takeout delivery man (or anyone else, for that matter) could perceive the historical importance that fateful day had, for it will truly be forever written in

Crommunist's Grocery Adventures

2005-01-05T01:18:00.000+02:00

Well my Christmas vacation was over, so I decided to pick up some food supplies for school. I wasn't 100% sure what I wanted so I went to a local store (can't say the name, let's just say they don't have a lot of frills) to purchase some of these items. I have discovered something that may shock or baffle you, unless you are not a total moron in which case it will be old-hat. People are stupid

I'm rich!

2005-01-02T16:58:00.000+02:00

What is wrong with scriptwriters? Why are they so detached from reality? Consider the following oh-so-familiar scenario (in a movie): Man: Oh my love, I love you, will you marry me, <3? Woman: Oh yes, I will, my love. I <3 you too, it does not matter that you are piss poor and we cannot even afford cereal decoder rings for our wedding! Man: Oh yeah, about that... I am actually very very rich.

Happy Christmas

2004-12-25T15:37:00.000+02:00

On behalf of Poromenos and myself, I'd like to wish all of our readers a happy and joyful Christmas holiday. If you don't celebrate Christmas, please follow this simple mathematical instruction IF ((Religion = Christianity) or (Religion = North American or European secular) then %1 = 'Christmas') IF ((Religion = Judaism) or (you just like to wear a yarmukle) then %1 = 'Chanukah') IF ((Religion

Male Bashing

2004-12-24T17:12:00.000+02:00

I realize this isn't a very Christmasy sentiment, but seriously, women, WTF! I read this comic in the morning paper advertising "A world without men". Three women were sitting around a TV and it said "Today, no crimes were committed and no puppies were put down in shelters" and the women are having a conversation: Woman 1: More pie? Woman 2: No thanks, 4 pieces is my limit. But I will go for

A Christmas Carol.

2004-12-24T15:07:00.000+02:00

Ebeneezer Scrooge was woken by a strange noise in the middle of the night. Ebeneezer was in his thirties, still handsome, and an incorrigible womanizer, but that night he felt more lonely than ever. It was probably because he was alone, he thought, quite correctly. It was already Christmas of 1843 and he hadn't found a single woman to keep him company on this cold night. He felt that

Paragraphs.

2004-12-21T02:25:00.000+02:00

Just recently, some comments reached my perfectly perfect ears about my not using paragraphs. People told me my posts look like one big chunk of text and they just skip over it. To this, I reply: FUCK YOU. How is that for a paragraph? First of all, I DO use paragraphs, I just don't leave three million blank fucking lines between them. A post looks like one post, not like three thousand, pay

Marketing.

2004-12-20T16:42:00.000+02:00

Have you ever watched an ad on TV and thought "What the hell were these guys thinking?". I don't mean that the ad was horrible or terrible or bad, just dumb. For example, I was watching a Hugo Boss ad the other day, in which there is the perfume bottle on a rock or something and a young man tries to pick it up, but he can't. Then a mature man tries to pick it up, but he also fails. Lastly, a

Would you rather have...

2004-12-15T06:42:00.000+02:00

There was this commercial I saw on TV. It was about a bear recklessly breaking into some poor redneck's hunting cabin and eating all the food. The bear bypasses the obvious stash of moonshine and animal porn and goes straight for the cooler, looking for a refreshing beverage. Finding the cooler bereft of liquid refreshment, the bear steals the hunter's clothes and ID (which are for some reason

Shirts.

2004-12-08T16:21:00.000+02:00

Hello dear readers! Today's post is somewhat special (I mean more special than all the other posts), since it is about one of our readers, who ACTUALLY BOUGHT one of our shirts (why are the rest of you lazy bastards not buying our shirts? Buy lots of them). This is a picture of him brandishing (or wearing, I can't remember the order I put the pictures in) his new favorite T-shirt. The T-shirt

Older Posts

2004-12-05T20:36:00.000+02:00

Don't forget that some of our older posts are in the archives. If you've read everything on this page and you're getting bored with it, why not check out some of our older stuff?

The Ugly Friend

2004-12-05T20:08:00.000+02:00

I want to relate a story that happened to a friend of mine (let's call him Eduardo Sanchez). Eduardo was at the bar with a group of his friends. Some of his friends had brought other friends, things were going great and everyone was having a really good time. That's when Eduardo noticed that one of his friend's friends (to avoid confusion, we'll call her Consuela del Caliente) was lookin' pretty

Women (revisited).

2004-12-05T03:53:00.000+02:00

Riddle me this: Why do women have to make it utterly and painfully clear that they absolutely will not, never-ever, not-if-every-man-on-earth-dies-except-you, have sex with you? You're hanging out with your friends (women included), and you (or someone, anyway) makes a completely harmless joke about you and the woman having sex. The woman always says something like "not in your lifetime". Why do

Top Ten: Ways to end a relationship

2004-11-30T06:14:00.000+02:00

Stuck in a dead-end relationship? Does the voice of your significant other cut through your head like a hot knife through babies? Are you spending all your 'intimate moments' thinking about that chick at McDonalds with the tight pants? Are your fantasies about getting stuck in an elevator being replaced by sticking your girlfriend in the freezer? Now, you COULD just end it, but why not go out

Kids.

2004-11-27T21:11:00.000+02:00

I was watching TV today and this commercial for pampers asswipe things for babies came on. It was the dumbest thing ever, there's this baby that goes to the bathroom and looks at the toilet (which was like, twice its size), and he obviously wants to pee, so he has to climb on it because he is of course too old to be wearing diapers (said baby sneers). He removes his pants (CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IN

I HAVE BEEN SAVED!

2004-11-25T03:44:00.000+02:00

Sinners, repent! Judgment will come swift and furious for those who refuse to be narrow-minded and pushy! At least, that seems to be the message coming from Jack Chick, publisher of some of the highest-quality religious tracts I have ever seen. Mr. Chick has done some SERIOUS homework on the topic of any kind of religious unorthodoxy (including being gay, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, intelligent,

Where have I been?

2004-11-21T21:12:00.000+02:00

Last Saturday I was sitting at my computer, doing some work, talking to some people, nothing that you could call strenuous, when suddenly my computer turned off. Puzzled by this sudden development, I attempted valiantly to turn my computer back on, but to no avail. Despite all kinds of tests and attempts to reboot, reformat, reinstall, my computer had gone from elite, sleek computating machine to

Have you seen this person?

2004-11-20T03:50:00.000+02:00

Dearly beloved, I bear sad news, regretfully. Our very own Crommunist (I suspect that that is not his real name) has gone MISSING! Yes, you read me correctly, MISSING! He was last seen blogging about a week ago, and was never heard of ever since. He is tall, handsome, with blue eyes and blond hair. Of course, I have never seen him, so this description may be a bit off. I have sketched the

Collateral.

2004-11-15T01:29:00.000+02:00

Today was a really sandy day. And I don't mean sandy in the way you might think, I mean sandy as there was a lot of sand in the air. You couldn't see the sun, and the entire sky was glowing yellow. All that sand comes from Africa, a strong wind blows, and whee, Crete gets all the damn Sahara sand (it's true, look at this NASA image). So, I thought, like hell I'm going out there today, fuck that,

An open letter to Hollywood

2004-11-13T01:22:00.000+02:00

Dear Hollywood, I have recently filled my spare time by watching some of your movies. The quality if your product is unsurpassable, and I applaud you for that. However, I would like to raise a few concerns I had with the veracity of many of your films. Issue #1: Girls at university I was led to believe by many of your movies that the moment that a woman of the female gender stepped onto a

Homosexuals are gay.

2004-11-06T15:49:00.000+02:00

I was out in the proverbial "park" the other day, and as I was walking my pet elephant (his name is Judith and he's 2 years old), I saw these two dudes, who were obviously pretty gay, kissing. I thought, flabbergasted, "omg wtf r these dudes doing, this sux", and I was appalled and shocked. I continued my walk, obviously disturbed, when I saw these two other chicks, who were also obviously pretty

Search for One-eye Jimmy, The.

2004-10-31T19:53:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I didn't know what to do, so I went over to the video store and I looked for hours to find a movie I'd like to watch, but in vain, as I had seen most of them already. I asked for a good comedy because I didn't want to be bummed out again ("Lilja 4 Ever" sucks and so does "Sonny"), and I was promptly instructed that "comedies are over there". So, here I am, going over there, and as I was

Do you agree with vandalism?

2004-10-29T07:17:00.000+03:00

For those of you who don't know, I am currently enrolled at the University of Waterloo. It is a great place, usually. The people are friendly, for the most part, we have some very decent-looking girl-types, and our campus is well... okay it's ugly. Last week I came to campus and was walking to class when I saw, drawn in large chalk lettering, the words "DO YOU AGREE WITH BYRON?" Assuming they

Bash

2004-10-24T01:02:00.000+03:00

OK, this is a first. I am posting an EXTERNAL LINK! Amazing! I hope this doesn't happen frequently and we get to post every single piece of shit we find on the net, but this is the funniest thing I've seen in my entire life, except the time when my friend sat on... No, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Bash top something quotes

Americans - What are you doing?!

2004-10-22T14:34:00.000+03:00

While I was on my toilet pondering the deeper aspects of life, I remembered the notion of teabagging. This led me to cogitate about the wonderful and largely unexplored continent that is America, and, more precisely, the United States. In the following text I shall present you with fundamental issues questioning the sanity of the American culture. Teabagging First and foremost, there is

The Drunken Master

2004-10-19T01:44:00.000+03:00

I just finished watching Jackie Chan in Legend of the Drunken Master. Great movie, awesome fight scenes, funny jokes. What struck me most though, was the valuable life-lessons it taught. For those of you not familiar with the Drunken Master films, I will give a brief synopsis. Jackie stars as Wong Fei-Hung, a rebellious Chinese youth who spends his days carousing with his ne'er-do-well friends.

Tourists.

2004-10-18T22:00:00.000+03:00

They live. I've seen them. If you live in a touristy area, you might have seen them too. They're tourists. You see them outside, pasty-white, with their sandals and shorts and backpacks, all raggedy-looking, as if they have come out of a cave after an eleven-month hibernation period to catch some sun before they crawl back under a rock to sleep for another eleven months. I recently saw a (I think

Money advice

2004-10-18T04:01:00.000+03:00

So Poro sent me this link. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00061LC8W/qid=1098052588/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-5270041-6340636?v=glance&s=kitchen The page advertises a hexagonal steel bird-cage. The ad screams FREE SHIPPING IN THE UNITED STATES! It also smugly boasts that the locks on the cage are unsolvable by even the wiliest of birds. This cage truly comes with all the bells and

Movie tips.

2004-10-17T16:15:00.000+03:00

I was watching Black Hawk Down (actually I have been watching it for the last week, 10 minutes per day or so), and it suddenly hit me. You can always tell the good guys from the bad guys in any movie, because the good guys kill five bad guys with one bullet, while the bad guys kill one good guy with a hundred bullets, and the bad guys' rockets never hit anyone, while the good guys destroy a small

Album review - Muse: Absolution

2004-10-16T03:12:00.000+03:00

So... Imagine in your twisted mind that Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, Thom Yorke of Radiohead and Daniel Johns from Silverchair, through some dark twisted orgy, managed to give birth to a nigh-perfect musical creation. Wouldn't that ROCK? The hard-rocking yet poignant soul of Silverchair, the vocal and musical experimentation of Radiohead and the dark lyricism of Pink Floyd? If only, eh? Well

T-Shirts!

2004-10-15T01:01:00.000+03:00

Obeying your wishes, we have created all-new Porocrom t-shirt line, including the infamous "Vaginas rock!" t-shirt (you WILL need to register for free and change your settings to PG-13 rated to see the PG-13 shirts). The URL is in the right of the page, as well as here for my gallery and here for Crommunist's. NOW GO BUY THEM! A sample:

A revelation.

2004-10-14T17:51:00.000+03:00

OK. I am going to let you in on a little secret. I know it can be very hard to guess by yourself, but THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO PEOPLE(!) writing on this blog, Poromenos (I, the Greek dude) and Crommunist (the Canadian dude). I think we should put our names before and after each post, as well as to the top right of the page. We didn't want to tell you that before because we didn't know what you

Women.

2004-10-12T01:26:00.000+03:00

I recently came upon an email entitled "the Being A Real Guy degree" or some crap like that. It was about an imaginary school where such classes as "Learn to work the toilet seat" and "Learn to share the remote" and shit like that existed. Sounds to me like "the Manwhore degree", so I am hereupon starting to teach the Quit Being A Bitch degree. Don't get me wrong, I love women as much as the next

Kate Beckinsale

2004-10-11T21:20:00.000+03:00

A message to you-know-who-you-are: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING MORE ON THE MATTER. KATE BECKINSALE IS ONE OF THE 5 HOTTEST WOMEN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, AND THAT'S THAT. PERIOD. This is not a real post. Don't look at it. P.S. For the other 4, look at the "In love (again)" post. The list is subject to change without previous notice.

Thanksgiving!!!

2004-10-11T03:02:00.000+03:00

Well folks, Thanksgiving again. 'Thanksgiving?' say our non-Canadian readers. 'You must be some kind of idiot, mister Crommunist. Thanksgiving is clearly in November.' Well folks, I am not American. If I was, my posts would be about drinking too much beer and being generally over-opinionated about everything. Hmm... my posts are about that anyway... maybe I would just have more grammatical

A valuable lesson

2004-10-09T03:01:00.000+03:00

In these times of strife - global war, famine, devastating floods and hurricanes, we often find ourselves searching for answers. How can we be virtuous when all around us are examples of greed and corruption? Some people turn to God for answers. Others seek relief from these questions at the bottom of a bottle. Still others look to wise men for advice. It is comforting to know that in these

English for foreigners.

2004-10-08T22:59:00.000+03:00

Today I found out I have not been speaking English correctly all this time. I watched a crap movie where American soldiers went to a place in Africa or Asia or Antarctica and bought an elephant with a kid to torment them. From the first few moments of the movie it dawned on me that my English sucks. Apparently, people outside native English speaking countries should have no concept of the first

Lame excuses.

2004-10-07T04:11:00.000+03:00

I am certain that you, like me, are tired of always hearing the same lame excuses. I have compiled the following extensive list of excuses so that you will be informed and you will never again perform such iniquity as to mention them in my presence. Excuse 1: It's a movie, it's OK if it's illogical. That's just stupid. Like everything else, movies have to obey rules. Even if it's a medieval movie

English lessons - Part two.

2004-10-05T23:15:00.000+03:00

Hello, fellow readers. Your coming here can only mean that you can read (albeit barely enough to understand what I am writing). Today I shall continue to educate you on the proper usage of your language (unless that language is Russian and you are a tall, blond, HOT woman, in which case I will educate you later in private). From what I have seen, there are two categories of people and myself.

Geography lesson - Greece

2004-10-02T16:35:00.000+03:00

Today's geography lesson is about Greece. Greece is here: Population: About 11 mil, 1 mil if you exclude Albanian immigrants. Language: Greek (NO, IT'S NOT FUCKING ANCIENT GREEK, JUST LIKE ENGLISH IS NOT FUCKING OLD ENGLISH). Flag: Blue with stripes and a cross (kinda looks like a gay christian prisoner). National Anthem: Yes, best ever. Area: Smallish area, but few people too, so we manage.

They

2004-10-02T01:00:00.000+03:00

Okay, I am sick of this. Today I heard yet another ignorant utterance of the age-old stupid question "Why don't they pay doctors and teachers the same amount of money as they do professional sports players?" While the equally idiotic response is usually along the lines of "Sports players put themselves at risk every time they step on the field/ice/court, so they deserve more money", this is

More stuff

2004-10-01T22:23:00.000+03:00

I found out this morning that, despite my incredibly sophisticated mechanism for disguising names, "Bandy Roudreau" and "Teth" somehow figured out that the story was about them. "Teth" or, as she is more commonly known, Alicia Silverstone, seemed okay with it. However, I am a little worried about "Bandy Roudreau", or Sylvester Stallone. I mean, have you SEEN Rocky? He could beat the shit out of

In love (again)

2004-10-01T20:51:00.000+03:00

Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies. Actually only ladies, gentlemen go away), I'm sorry, but I have just become unavailable. It's not because I have found a new girlfriend (sadly), but because of my new infatuation. After Kate Beckinsale, Kathleen Robertson, Kathy Evison and Jennifer Love Hewitt, here comes Elisha Cuthbert (honorable mention to Elizabeth Berkley who never made it to the top)

Bands I like (part 1)

2004-09-30T06:09:00.000+03:00

Hello all, I know I spend a lot of time talking about (read: satirizing) things I don't like. So you may ask yourself, Skivven, what DO you like? Well, idiot, my name isn't Skivven so you're starting off on the wrong foot. Well kids, I like music. I like music a lot. So, from time to time I will be releasing reviews on bands that I like to listen to, songs that hold particular meaning for me,

Girls vs Women

2004-09-29T02:05:00.000+03:00

So yes, it is time for yet ANOTHER Crommunist rant. There are two types of females in the world. Girls, and women. Girls (ideally) grow to become women, and men everywhere rejoice. This is because women are friends to all mankind. Women are a marvellous balance to masculinity, and when men and women get together, it is a good thing for all parties concerned. Girls however, are the scum of the

My new reality show

2004-09-26T19:42:00.000+03:00

Okay, since everyone and his semi-retarded 3-legged (and other hyphenated adjectives as well) dog has a reality show, I am throwing my hat into the ring. Introducing... The reality show where 'reality' is a generous euphemism! The scene opens on a group of 8 people, 4 STUNNING girls, 3 RIPPED guys, and one fat unemployed stamp-collector from Wobitaughie, Maine, standing on a beach on a gorgeous

Stuff

2004-09-25T19:26:00.000+03:00

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. Let's talk about something that happened to me last week. I went out to celebrate the birthdays of two friends of mine. We started off at a bar called McMullan's, drank quite the number of beers (even though everyone thought my red beer was gross I liked it). After a few hours we decided to finish up the night at a karaoke bar called The Silver Spur. I sang like

Jack the Ripper

2004-09-22T21:30:00.000+03:00

I watched this movie yesterday, about some students who were writing a college project on Jack the Ripper, and a copycat serial killer started killing them one by one. It was the biggest load of crap I've seen in a long time, so I thought I would share it with you. Mind you, I don't know the title of the movie or any of the actors in it (except perhaps their professor, but I don't even know his

Action at Smurf village.

2004-09-19T16:17:00.000+03:00

Today I am going to reveal a big secret about the Smurf village. It is something your parents didn't want you to know when you were little, but that you always suspected. You might have asked yourselves, "Hey, who do Smurfs have sex with?". The truth is that we are never privy to their most intimate moments, and they don't make any insinuations either. Well, today I'm here to tell you the entire

Dialers.

2004-09-18T03:10:00.000+03:00

Yesterday I found out I had a dialer on my PC. Dialers are these little spyware shit programs that install on your pc without you even knowing. Then, if you live in a country retarded enough to still use dialup, it dials a number located on a planet outside our solar system and starts downloading porn while charging you obscene amounts of money. You can imagine my surprise when I picked up the

Charisma and thieves.

2004-09-18T02:08:00.000+03:00

If you don't play on Realms of Despair, stop reading. If you do play on Realms of Despair, stop playing. The next time I hear someone telling me that I need a thief to buy pots cheap because they will get 22 charisma I will chop their fucking head off with a fucking spoon. This will be me: I will only say this once: ANYTHING OVER 22 FOR CHARISMA DOES NOT COUNT ON PRICES. So yes, someone with 20

The drunk excuse

2004-09-16T16:44:00.000+03:00

Okay so last night I made out with a girl who isn't my girlfriend. But it's okay, because I was really drunk, right? WRONG! Alcohol may be the almighty IQ-lowerer, vendor of beer goggles, tipper of tectonic plates when you think you can walk a straight line, and various other things, but something that it CANNOT do is turn off your ability to make decisions. In order to drink enough that your

Murphy's Law.

2004-09-11T22:27:00.000+03:00

OK. Seriously, what is wrong with the universe? Do you know that law that says that basically nothing will ever go well for you? It's true. Whenever I buy something shiny, like, say, a new screen, and I go into a chatroom to brag about it, this is what happens: Me: Hey guys, I got a new Sony 17" monitor! PersonA: Big deal, I have the new LG 45" super-slim TFT screen! So then I just shake my fist

Joke - Blondes.

2004-09-06T15:09:00.000+03:00

A blind guy enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind man hollers to the bartender, "Buddy, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes silent. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6 foot 200

Joke - Horses.

2004-09-06T15:07:00.000+03:00

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast,"

The crowbar joke.

2004-09-06T15:03:00.000+03:00

All right. Enough of this. I am le tired of this "joke". For those of you who don't know it, it involves Greeks, men, children and a crowbar and is to Greeks what "What is the difference between a nigger and a bucket of shit? The bucket" is to black people. It is very insulting to Greeks, men, children and crowbars. If I ever hear anyone telling that joke I will consider it permission to making

Strip nights

2004-09-04T23:27:00.000+03:00

Yesterday I went to a strip club to take care of some business (and no, I do NOT mean masturbating, you sorry individuals). While there, and after I have had my share of ogling the pretty ladies, I started to notice peoples' reactions. Years and years (by which I mean about ten minutes) of research now allows me to post my results, deconstructing the psyche of the strip club goer. These are the

I should have said that.

2004-09-02T03:45:00.000+03:00

I am sure everyone has had a moment in our lives where we thought, "Damn! I really should have said that!". Like when you realize that the cute woman sitting next to you in the bus was staring at you while you were getting off, you think "I really should have talked to her." or when you watch your wife drive off the edge of a cliff you think "I really should have told her that I removed the brake

Geography lessons - Mistake?

2004-09-02T02:54:00.000+03:00

Some people may think that I have forgotten to place Australia and Antarctica on the map. That is, of course, a fallacy. They are both there, but you can't see them, because the map is a Mercator Projection. They are a bit to the left and down. Shut up now. As always, email corrections and hatemail to billgates@microsoft.com.

Geography lessons - Canada.

2004-09-02T02:49:00.000+03:00

Today's geography lesson is about Canada. Canada is here: Population: Good people, albeit a bit few. Language: Modded American English, pronouncing "about" as "aboot". Flag: Red with a fig leaf to cover their nakedness. National Anthem: Yes. Area: Hugeass area, that's why there are two people per square kilometer in the city. Currency: Canadian dollar. They call it dollar so you think it's

Music

2004-09-02T02:34:00.000+03:00

So I was listening to the radio today - as I usually do - and this song by Linkin Park came on; one of their older ones, it was about how the lead singer hates his dad because he touched his naughty bits or something. I wasn't really paying close attention. And then this song by Simple Plan came on, and it was about THE EXACT SAME THING! And then a couple okay songs came on, then this song by 3

WTF...

2004-09-01T05:23:00.000+03:00

K, 78 visitors and I know Poro and I aren't the only ones reading the site. POST COMMENTS DAMMIT! Help us feel less lonely and pathetic. Poro's comment: out of the 78 visits, the 71 were mine, and 5 were yours

Computers in movies.

2004-08-31T23:13:00.000+03:00

I was watching Alien 1 yesterday, and I noticed that computers are always dealt with in the same way in many movies. I have prepared a small list of these cliches for you: Whenever there is an "Access Denied" message there is an "Override" button. "I'm sorry, I cannot let you see these files because they are top secret and only the Prime Minister of Greece can look at them, but if you ask me

Olympic good manners.

2004-08-31T21:21:00.000+03:00

Hello all you non-Greek people. Today I would like to teach you something about Olympic ideals, the greatness of the Olympic spirit and all that crap. I have noticed that many foreign people have won medals in the Olympics, mainly from China, the U.S. and other less significant countries. I would like to say on that matter, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? In the olden days, all the ancient Greeks

Why Poro needs to learn English

2004-08-31T21:17:00.000+03:00

Our buddy Poro has a bit of a problem... Despite his flawless skill with written English (to the proficiency where he can understand what I'm saying when I'm being ridiculous), Poro cannot speak English worth a whit (which is exactly one quarter of a flying fig, or 7/19 of a rat's ass). "Who cares?" you may ask "The man lives in Greece where most everyone speaks Greek, and his overseas contact

Why I wish I was American

2004-08-31T21:02:00.000+03:00

Today I was packing up my stuff for school (I go to the University of Waterloo and yes I know you are jealous). I pulled out this box from the place where we keep the boxes (read: homeless shelter) and started packing away my personal effects. First, the books went in. They are big-ass university text-books that you can't really understand because you are not smart enough to go to university and

Poromenos' drawing lessons.

2004-08-31T20:54:00.000+03:00

As you can see, in my previous rant I have posted magnificent images of my vacation. You may be saying "Oh, Poromenos, Poromenos, teach me how to draw as magnificently as you." Because I am a kind and generous person I will say "What the hell? You can never draw like this, you silly person". However, I can teach you how to draw pictures that come close (or nowhere near close) to mine, so here we

Poromenos' vacation.

2004-08-31T20:15:00.001+03:00

Today I just came back from a 7-day vacation to Parga (it's a small town in Greece, I don't expect you to know where it is). It was overall nice, and I shall go into more detail at once. Here are some things that I liked and some things that I didn't like about it, with pictures. Good: The women on the beach were all topless. Bad: The women on the beach were all over 50 years old. Conclusion:

Crommunist's Camping Trip

2004-08-31T18:34:00.000+03:00

Well, my adventures continued. Friday night my band (Better Without a Name) played my friend Katrina's birthday party. The next morning, we loaded up Chris' van with tents, sleeping bags, BOOZE and a tarping system, and headed out to Arrowhead National Park. The group was Kevin, Mike, Chris and your humble narrator. Nothing to do when you're camping except eat, drink and veg... so that's what

Crommunist's Montreal Trip

2004-08-31T17:18:00.000+03:00

Hey all, After a brief hiatus I am back from a wonderful vacation. I went to visit a friend of mine who lives in Montreal. For those of you who don't know, Montreal is a city in Quebec, the French-speaking province of Canada. Montreal is almost 100% bilingual though, so it wasn't QUITE the trip into cocked-snoot territory. Monday (August 23): Train to Montreal. Found out my French is as rusty

A comprehensive guide to Olympic Sports.

2004-08-23T18:20:00.001+03:00

One of my favorite pastimes these days is to watch the Olympics. Today, however, I realised that many people may not know what some sports are about or how they are played, so I will do you this huge favor and explain every sport separately. Aquatics The Aquatics consist of four sports. The first is swimming, which dates all the way back to ancient Greece, where they liked to throw kids in the

Winning her back.

2004-08-22T13:46:00.000+03:00

Inspired by the previous post, I decided to write this guide for all you blokes who are barely presentable enough to get a chick, but not enough to keep her. This guide aims to enable you to win her back after she has inevitably dumped you. The basic thing to remember is that women like real men (don't worry, there may be hope). So, whatever you do, act like a man. It may be hard, but you have to

Peter's lament

2004-08-22T02:44:00.000+03:00

I have a friend... let's call him Peter. Peter is 21, tall, fit, funny, interesting, etc etc. His job pays well, he gets a lot of hours, and on the side, when he's not teaching hip-hop or cheerleading for York University, he's a DJ at a local club. In short, Peter is a fuckin' CATCH AND A HALF. Peter is recently single. Now I know what you're thinking. "Holy shit, this guy must be STOKED! He's

Morals from the city

2004-08-20T01:49:00.000+03:00

Hello everyone, Today I went downtown to meet up with my sister who is visiting from the west coast. As we were walking down the street, we heard this one half of the following conversation: "Well I don't think I want to talk to you any more then... No, YOU fucked up, and now you're fucking out of luck... I don't know, you don't need me to have a good time in Toronto... I don't fucking know...

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

2004-08-20T01:29:00.000+03:00

Fellow, uh, people that can read. Today I would like to shed some light on the pressing issue of PEOPLE WHO BITCH ABOUT PEOPLE WHO USE CAPS A LOT. If you consider the difference between capital and small letters, you will realise that capitals are only a few millimeters higher than small letters. That having been said, whenever I try to utter a few words in capitals, I get reactions similar to OH

English lessons.

2004-08-19T21:00:00.000+03:00

As you may already know, Greeks invented many things, including but not limited to the Olympics, all the languages, and the entire world. So who better than a Greek (me) to teach you some basic English. Lesson 1: You're vs Your You're means you are. It is easy to remember if you think of the apostrophe as an a. That way, it becomes youare, which is easier for people of your intelligence (or

What is the world coming to?

2004-08-19T19:30:00.000+03:00

It's yesterday. I'm on my newbie (whenever I'm on a low level char I act like a newbie, it's psychological, shut up and read). I'm stranded at the square and I desperately need to get back to the hq, but I'm out of recalls. There are about 10 people there, so I'm thinking, "one of these good people is bound to have a recall on him", so I politely say "OMFG GIVE ME A RECALL I'M STRANDED". Nobody

Something hilarious

2004-08-19T02:14:00.000+03:00

I am supposed to write something spontaneously hilarious here. I got 3 hours of sleep last night, so I'm not particularly brilliant. Here's what I got though. I went back to my former place of work today, to pick up my paycheque and say goodbye to some people. Amazingly, everyone was still alive and not wandering about wondering what to do with their lives. I demand that everyone miss me