A comprehensive guide to Olympic Sports.
One of my favorite pastimes these days is to watch the Olympics. Today, however, I realised that many people may not know what some sports are about or how they are played, so I will do you this huge favor and explain every sport separately.
The Aquatics consist of four sports. The first is swimming, which dates all the way back to ancient Greece, where they liked to throw kids in the sea and watch them try to outswim the sharks. The fastest child with a head got the gold medal. It is still almost the same today, but without the sharks. The second sport is water polo, where athletes struggle not to drown, and if they happen to score while trying to catch the ball (which floats and therefore provides a means of salvation), they win. If they drown, they lose. Then there is diving, where they throw you off a cliff and you have to spin and spin and spin and spin aimlessly and hope you don't land in the water with your belly, because you're dead. Then there is synchronised swimming, which is the most useful sport in real life of the four. There are two athletes who, while falling, have to watch each other and spin simultaneously. The athletes who look the least, win.
Most of you already know archery, it is the sport in which you get a ridiculously oversized bow which has a computer, a TV and a DVD player mounted on it, and you try to shoot arrows at the target while you are watching a movie on the DVD. Ancient Greeks used to have their normal bows which were only a stick with a piece of thread tied to it, and they had to shoot slaves in the eye to win.
Athletics are sports in which you run (or walk) like hell various distances, ranging from 100m (that's like 10 ft for you americans) to 40 km (that's 30 ft for you americans) and maybe jump a bit too.
Badminton is gay as hell, there are two people who toss a feather (called a shuttlecock) to each other. If neither of them wants it, why don't they just give it to the judges and go drink a beer? Anyway, nobody knows the point of this sport, and I don't think you get any medals for it.
There is no hope for anyone to understand this sport. Only Americans pretend to understand it because they don't want to look stupid because they invented it and how lame would that be if even the inventor cannot understand their own sport? So out of embarrasment they watch it all day long although even the players don't know what's going on. From what I gather though, someone throws a ball to someone else, and he hits it on the head with a bat and runs around like crazy. If the ball goes to the viewers and hits someone, the team scores. It is a particularly violent sport and many a viewer has died from it.
You all know basketball, it's like when your boss at work gives you a document for you to sign and whatever and you say "fuck this" and roll it up into a ball and you throw it at the bin and you miss, only these people do it with a ball and get paid for that. So yeah, I guess you lose there.
Punch the shit out of people. Last person alive wins.
You get in a small boat called a canoe and try not to get hit on the head from some poles sticking out of the ceiling while floating around trying not to drown.
You get on your bike and run in circles. When you realise you aren't going anywhere you stop, and the fastest person to realise that wins.
Equestrian means "something to do with horses" and so you understand that you get on a horse and make it do crap like jump around and look happy and roll over. If the horse is in heat you lose, because its dick knocks over all the wooden things when it jumps over them.
Fencing is a wussy sport where you try to stab each other, only the swords don't work and you have flashing lights on your helmet and guns aren't even allowed, so noone ever dies. That sucks.
Football is the best sport ever (not that crap Americans call football, that's just team boxing with a ball thrown in for distraction) because Greece is European Champion 2004. We are getting our ass kicked in the Olympics by everyone, including Mali, but that's just because the team is not the original Greek team but some 16 year old kids.
Gymnastics is where you jump around and hang from stuff. All men in Gymnastics are gay, and the women have no tits, nice asses though. The one who jumps around the most wins.
Handball is like football only it's played with the hands, hence the name. We sometimes win at it, so I guess it's OK.
Hockey is gay, it's like football but you have sticks and the ball is so small you can't even see it. Nobody watches that unless we somehow win a medal, then it will rock.
Judo is the art of laying someone on their back. It is especially useful for man vs woman, when you want to get laid. We got a golden medal there, so it's quite good.
No idea what this is, but from the name I will assume that they do five things at once, maybe like sing and spin plates on their noses or something.
Rowing is, as the nursery rhyme says, where you row your boat gently down the stream, only not so gently. You row like a motherfucker, because if the others catch you, it's your ass.
Sailing is great, we got one gold medal already and we're probably getting more, so it's one of my favorites. You get on your yacht and you try to finish before all the others. A sport for rich people only, obviously.
Shooting is more or less known, you get a gun and shoot pigeons. The more you shoot the better it is, and sometimes you can eat some if you get lucky and they fall near you.
Seriously, what is this crap? Who has ever heard of softball? I saw a picture once and there are people with bats in the field, kind of like baseball, and also they both end in -ball. Other than that, all the Greek players have American names, so it can't be very good. Probably a fake sport.
This is what Forrest Gump (god that movie sucked) played, only without the special effects, these guys actually use a ball. It's like tennis on a small scale, invented for people who are too lazy to walk three meters across the field to hit the ball. It's always funny to watch asians play it, because they make these funny noises whenever they hit the ball, or maybe they are talking.
Taekwondo is another beat-em-up sport where you try to kick the shit out of people. I have not seen it yet but I think it hasn't begun yet. I will keep you posted.
Tennis is great because the Lena Daniilidou is hot. It is mildly entertaining because nobody wants the ball here either but instead of just letting it pass, they hit it and send it towards the other player, so it's mostly a game of vengeance.
Like the pentathlon, but they do three things at a time instead of five. Easier.
Volleyball is great, and beach volley even more so. The chicks of beach volley all have great bodies, and even if their faces look like shit they're wearing sunglasses so huge that you can't see their face at all. People who can't afford cable watch beach volley to get off. Perverts.
Weightlifting is great because we win most of the time. You get in there, lift a huge weight, and win. Nasty chicks though.
Wrestling is like Judo, but more Greek. You still try to lay people on their backs but the names of the moves are not Japanese and the athletes are shorter and wear those ridiculous uniforms.
That's it for today, I hope you have a much better understanding of all the Olympic Sports now. Pay for our Games, drink Coca-Cola.
Aquatics
The Aquatics consist of four sports. The first is swimming, which dates all the way back to ancient Greece, where they liked to throw kids in the sea and watch them try to outswim the sharks. The fastest child with a head got the gold medal. It is still almost the same today, but without the sharks. The second sport is water polo, where athletes struggle not to drown, and if they happen to score while trying to catch the ball (which floats and therefore provides a means of salvation), they win. If they drown, they lose. Then there is diving, where they throw you off a cliff and you have to spin and spin and spin and spin aimlessly and hope you don't land in the water with your belly, because you're dead. Then there is synchronised swimming, which is the most useful sport in real life of the four. There are two athletes who, while falling, have to watch each other and spin simultaneously. The athletes who look the least, win.
Archery
Most of you already know archery, it is the sport in which you get a ridiculously oversized bow which has a computer, a TV and a DVD player mounted on it, and you try to shoot arrows at the target while you are watching a movie on the DVD. Ancient Greeks used to have their normal bows which were only a stick with a piece of thread tied to it, and they had to shoot slaves in the eye to win.
Athletics
Athletics are sports in which you run (or walk) like hell various distances, ranging from 100m (that's like 10 ft for you americans) to 40 km (that's 30 ft for you americans) and maybe jump a bit too.
Badminton
Badminton is gay as hell, there are two people who toss a feather (called a shuttlecock) to each other. If neither of them wants it, why don't they just give it to the judges and go drink a beer? Anyway, nobody knows the point of this sport, and I don't think you get any medals for it.
Baseball
There is no hope for anyone to understand this sport. Only Americans pretend to understand it because they don't want to look stupid because they invented it and how lame would that be if even the inventor cannot understand their own sport? So out of embarrasment they watch it all day long although even the players don't know what's going on. From what I gather though, someone throws a ball to someone else, and he hits it on the head with a bat and runs around like crazy. If the ball goes to the viewers and hits someone, the team scores. It is a particularly violent sport and many a viewer has died from it.
Basketball
You all know basketball, it's like when your boss at work gives you a document for you to sign and whatever and you say "fuck this" and roll it up into a ball and you throw it at the bin and you miss, only these people do it with a ball and get paid for that. So yeah, I guess you lose there.
Boxing
Punch the shit out of people. Last person alive wins.
Canoeing
You get in a small boat called a canoe and try not to get hit on the head from some poles sticking out of the ceiling while floating around trying not to drown.
Cycling
You get on your bike and run in circles. When you realise you aren't going anywhere you stop, and the fastest person to realise that wins.
Equestrian
Equestrian means "something to do with horses" and so you understand that you get on a horse and make it do crap like jump around and look happy and roll over. If the horse is in heat you lose, because its dick knocks over all the wooden things when it jumps over them.
Fencing
Fencing is a wussy sport where you try to stab each other, only the swords don't work and you have flashing lights on your helmet and guns aren't even allowed, so noone ever dies. That sucks.
Football
Football is the best sport ever (not that crap Americans call football, that's just team boxing with a ball thrown in for distraction) because Greece is European Champion 2004. We are getting our ass kicked in the Olympics by everyone, including Mali, but that's just because the team is not the original Greek team but some 16 year old kids.
Gymnastics
Gymnastics is where you jump around and hang from stuff. All men in Gymnastics are gay, and the women have no tits, nice asses though. The one who jumps around the most wins.
Handball
Handball is like football only it's played with the hands, hence the name. We sometimes win at it, so I guess it's OK.
Hockey
Hockey is gay, it's like football but you have sticks and the ball is so small you can't even see it. Nobody watches that unless we somehow win a medal, then it will rock.
Judo
Judo is the art of laying someone on their back. It is especially useful for man vs woman, when you want to get laid. We got a golden medal there, so it's quite good.
Modern Pentathlon
No idea what this is, but from the name I will assume that they do five things at once, maybe like sing and spin plates on their noses or something.
Rowing
Rowing is, as the nursery rhyme says, where you row your boat gently down the stream, only not so gently. You row like a motherfucker, because if the others catch you, it's your ass.
Sailing
Sailing is great, we got one gold medal already and we're probably getting more, so it's one of my favorites. You get on your yacht and you try to finish before all the others. A sport for rich people only, obviously.
Shooting
Shooting is more or less known, you get a gun and shoot pigeons. The more you shoot the better it is, and sometimes you can eat some if you get lucky and they fall near you.
Softball
Seriously, what is this crap? Who has ever heard of softball? I saw a picture once and there are people with bats in the field, kind of like baseball, and also they both end in -ball. Other than that, all the Greek players have American names, so it can't be very good. Probably a fake sport.
Table Tennis
This is what Forrest Gump (god that movie sucked) played, only without the special effects, these guys actually use a ball. It's like tennis on a small scale, invented for people who are too lazy to walk three meters across the field to hit the ball. It's always funny to watch asians play it, because they make these funny noises whenever they hit the ball, or maybe they are talking.
Taekwondo
Taekwondo is another beat-em-up sport where you try to kick the shit out of people. I have not seen it yet but I think it hasn't begun yet. I will keep you posted.
Tennis
Tennis is great because the Lena Daniilidou is hot. It is mildly entertaining because nobody wants the ball here either but instead of just letting it pass, they hit it and send it towards the other player, so it's mostly a game of vengeance.
Triathlon
Like the pentathlon, but they do three things at a time instead of five. Easier.
Volleyball
Volleyball is great, and beach volley even more so. The chicks of beach volley all have great bodies, and even if their faces look like shit they're wearing sunglasses so huge that you can't see their face at all. People who can't afford cable watch beach volley to get off. Perverts.
Weightlifting
Weightlifting is great because we win most of the time. You get in there, lift a huge weight, and win. Nasty chicks though.
Wrestling
Wrestling is like Judo, but more Greek. You still try to lay people on their backs but the names of the moves are not Japanese and the athletes are shorter and wear those ridiculous uniforms.
That's it for today, I hope you have a much better understanding of all the Olympic Sports now. Pay for our Games, drink Coca-Cola.
posted by Poromenos at 6:20 PM
8 Comments:
dude no one comments on your shit
Yeah, does that suck or what?
I found your blog by accident and love it. This is very funny. I will continue to read it and comment as I see fit. Hopefully, you will have more people commenting as you continue to write. Good Luck.
In an effort to make you feel better, I have blogged about your blog on my own blog.
Wow, thanks Jen :) I didn't think people would like us that much :) I visited your blog (http://jdm3.blogspot.com/ for people who want to see it), thanks for the reference! Actually I'm Greek, Crommunist is Canadian. Thanks again :)
Hilarious read man. I sent this to everyone at work to and we're all laughing about it here. I would have to say the American volleyball chics are hot though, so we disagree there. Thanks for the good read.
Well, not ALL the chicks look like shit, it's true that there are some good-looking ones :P Thanks for the feedback.
Yo, this is Pannath...
This shit made me laugh so hard, I was crying :/
You sick bastard, it has been forever since that happened...
<3!
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