Magic!

So, you are watching David Copperfield or some other loser who didn't get a real job and so decided to start making cards disappear for a living, and you are absolutely stunned and dumbfounded by the magician's tricks like the dumbass you are. Today, we at Porocrom will reveal to you the deepest secrets of the art of prestidigitation, secrets these so-called "magicians" do not want you to know. My cunning wit and my acute eyesight have figured out each and every trick these people perform, and I will reveal them to you without further ado. So, let me begin revealing what I have discovered through my sheer observational prowess and have not read or been told by anyone else. Here it is.

Sawing people in half.

This trick is childish, anyone with an IQ of over 10 can immediately understand how they do this simplistic "sawing". The woman that goes in the box to be sawed in half is not in fact a woman, but two mutated midgets whose parents lived in Chernobyl during 1986. One of them has a normal head and arms but really really small legs, and the other one has normal legs but really small arms and head. They sit one on top of the other in the bathing suit and they look as if they are one person, but they're not. When they get in the box, they just unzip the bathing suit in the middle, the "magician" pretends to saw them in half while they drink a cup of coffee and read their newspaper (well, the bottom half anyway, her only job is to wiggle her toes, big deal). When the trick is over, they rezip the bathing suit and come back out unscathed, much to the audience's surprise, whee, look, it's a whole woman. Like hell it is!

Making stuff disappear.

This trick is a bit harder for the entertainer to perform, but it is based on the same principle that makes your keys disappear when you need them the most. Let's say that, for example, the entertainer wants to make an elephant disappear. Minutes before the show he takes his lovely assistant and has another assistant shove her deep up the elephant's ass. Now, the poor woman will suffocate if she is left in there too long, so the magician goes on the stage, presents his thing, and then, just as the assistant is about to expire, he attempts to pull her off the elephant's ass, only to find that the elephant has disappeared at this most inopportune moment (much like your keys). This, again, surprises the audience greatly, because they do not know the dramatic moments that the assistant is going through, and they're all like "oh, nice elephant, let's go have sex later". Sadly, the assistant dies lodged in the elephant's ass, and then, having no reason to pull her out now, the elephant reappears. Warning: This trick is performed very rarely because good assistants are so hard to come by nowadays...

Levitating.

This trick was one of the hardest for me to explain, but in the end I did it. I never doubted my abilities, but it was frustrating, trying and trying to find a solution to this grueling problem. You are of course familiar with the trick where the magician lays his beautiful assistant on a table and makes her float into the air while she is lying down. This can be thoroughly and adequately explained thus:
The magician uses two invisible midgets and a baby wolf. The two midgets are stuffed in the table and come out when it is time for the trick, because the baby wolf is also in the table, but it is not hungry until that moment. Then the midgets become frightened and spring out of the table, forcing the assistant to seemingly rise into the air, but she's not rising, it's only because the midgets are invisible. Come to think of it, this explains many, many tricks. I believe I have stumbled upon one of the most important discoveries of the twenty first century. I still haven't figured the part about the baby wolf out, because if the midgets are invisible, how can it see them? It probably can't, but midgets are afraid anyway. Aha, it can smell them, that's it. Yes.

Pulling rabbits from a hat.

The most classic trick of all couldn't be left unexplained, so here we are. This trick is again pretty simple. The magician removes his hat, shows it to the audience to confirm that it is, in fact, empty, and he places it on the table. He has previously hidden some Trix cereal in his sleeve though, which now surreptitiously rolls into the hat. Immediately, the dumbass Trix rabbit appears from within the hat and attempts to steal the cereal from the magician. Hell no that shit won't fly with him though, the magician kicks the rabbit's ass and gets the cereal back while performing this amazing magical feat of magic. He then proceeds to say "Silly rabbit, Trix are for invisible midgets" and makes Trix rabbit stew out of the fucker.

Invoking Satan.

This isn't really a trick, it's just your everyday, run-of-the-mill black magic. Magicians used to do this all the time in the olden days, but nowadays noone believes in Satan and they're all like "boo, take the red midget of the stage" and they throw rotten cabbage and stuff, so you might not have seen this trick performed. Plus, Satan is really busy this time of the century and he can't appear to every stupid magician who calls him, much unlike John Stamos.

Coin behind ear.

My nephew performed this fucking thing and I swear he was pulling an entire bag of dimes from behind my fucking ear, how the fuck does he do that shit? I have bought a highly trained team of Mexican and Chinese immigrants, specialised in problem solving, and have locked them in the basement for a month now. They have been working fervently towards solving this tantalising conundrum for an entire month, day and night, without sleep, food, or drink. Err, wait. I better go check up on them.

These are the only tricks I have been able to explain so far, but stay tuned, I will surely explain more as I think about them.