My dream car.

Today I will write about my dream car. It is a car I have dreamt of having ever since I was 8 and I saw the pope on a visit to some odd country, or maybe it was his non-country, the Vatican, the only place in the world where homosexual marriages are allowed.

If you are not familiar with it, the popemobile is a dope ride. The pope gets out on his balcony, flashes his flashlight on the sky, projecting the shape of the cross in the night sky (if it's day and he needs a ride, God darkens the sun for a bit with like an eclipse or by changing the timezone so the pope can shine his thing), and his minions see the sign and immediately rush (with a top speed of 10 mph) to do the pope's bidding, which is to take him for a ride.

The pope mobile is, as I have mentioned earlier, dope. It has an engine that is faster than a walking person(!), its own driver, and this huge room of reinforced glass, where the pope sits on a throne (which is also a toilet, because the pope is so old). He sits in there and this car takes him for a ride across millions of people who want to touch him and stuff, but they can't, because of all the glass. It has full leather seats made out of the skin of heretics, and it's painted in a pleasing pearly white colour. My dream car is somewhat similar, although I will make modifications to the original design.

First of all, I will have Ferrari make me a new engine. I want it to be faster than the speed of light, so that people I pass by appear frozen, like in that one Duck Tales episode where Gyro makes that device that makes people run with the speed of light, and when Huey, Louie and Dewey turn it on and walk everyone appears still because they're so fast. That's how fast my car would go. And I would ride around the hood, pickin' up hos and pimps and partying all day with tha dawgs in the specially modified compartment, which would be the size of the Chrysler Building. I would have NASA design that, because it needs a system to lift all that stuff.

Of course, the entire structure would be made of 12-inch thick glass reinforced with steel, which would be made to withstand nuclear explosions and angry wives. It would have a bar, an indoor swimming pool, three dining rooms and a huge kitchen, in which chefs from all over the world would prepare culinary delights for my esteemed guests. I would also have small holes drilled in the glass, just big enough to accomodate the barrel of my H&K MSG90 sniper rifle, and of course an uzi. This will aid the drive-by shootings that some guest might want to perform, or just to practice shooting homeless bums. Of course, the glass will be tempered with melanin-producing cells, which, when stimulated, will secrete large quantities of melanin, effectively making the glass a one-way mirror (or two-way mirror, for you Englishmen, Englishwomen and Englisheffeminatemen).

I am not sure, however, about how much this would cost, so I have set up a paypal fund. Please send anything you can to poromenos at poromenos dot org. We accept dollars, euros and any kind of livestock. 100% of the proceeds will go towards a good cause, namely the aforementioned one. Thanks.