Valentine gifts that say "I'm breaking up with you".

I know it's a bit late for this, but who cares, it's not like I have anything better to do. Valentine's day has come and gone again, and I know that many of you want to dump that skanky bitch girlfriend of yours, but you don't want to do it on Valentine's day (by the way, Valentine's day sucks, like the other "something" days, it's just an excuse for people to remember what they forget all year round, and if they don't forget it, why remember it now?), so you should buy her a present that says I want to break up with you. Well, here is the definitive guide:

• Keychain of a heart that splits in two.
  I know that normally this gift symbolizes that the person feels incomplete alone and the only time they are complete is when the other person is with them, but A) Those keychains are so common that it's easier to find someone with the other half than not, and B) The message is totally different if you hold the complete heart up, pull on the pieces and say "See, this heart BREAKS UP". If she doesn't get it, what are you doing with someone with a negative IQ?
  
• A vibrator.
  A vibrator, as a dear friend of mine very perceptively noted, can be a great gift, but once again, the meaning is not so much in the gift but in the action that accompanies it. You will give it to her in a box wrapped with glossy paper, and when she opens it excitedly and sees it, you will say "It's a dildo, I'm leaving you, go fuck yourself." Eloquent and simple, it always works.
  
• A greeting card.
  Nothing says "I'm breaking up with you" like a greeting card that says "I'm breaking up with you." She might be a bit blindsided if you get a generic, run-of-the-mill card though, so be sure to get her an authentic Porocrom greeting card, like the sample below:
  
  It is guaranteed to convey your exact sentiments while making her laugh, so that it does not leave a bitter aftertaste. We at Porocrom guarantee it (This particular card is available here).
  
• A parrot.
  A talking parrot can be a great pet, and it will serve your purpose magnificently if you teach it a few words that suit the circumstance. "Die, bitch", "I hate you", and "I wish you would get the fuck out of my life" are always popular, but depending on the situation you might choose to go with the more benign "I am screwing your best friend" and "Your momma is a hot piece of ass, I want to do her on the kitchen table" (although intelligibility will suffer, especially with the last phrase). Not to mention that talking parrots cost about $4000, you can buy like, a million Mexican hookers with that money.
  
  
• Nothing.
  Oh you cheapass, I'm surprised you would even think of this. The poor girl has bought you a gift and gave it to you waiting just to see the excitement on your countenance, and you will reward her with nothing? You suck, I hate you. You don't deserve her, she will be better off without you. In fact, I hope she dumps you first! Damn miser...
  

Well folks, there you have it. Now you have no excuse not to break up with your significant other, not with such an extensive and resourceful gift list. By the way, if you are on the receiving end of one of these gifts, too bad. Perhaps we will prepare some revenge cards you can send him/her/their mother to get even.