Harnessing the awesome power of shit!
It is a few months ago. I wake up as usual, and stumble over to the kitchen to see if there is anything to eat. There never is, so I wait until midday to order some takeout, which promptly arrives a few minutes later. Neither I nor the takeout delivery man (or anyone else, for that matter) could perceive the historical importance that fateful day had, for it will truly be forever written in the annals of science for ever and ever, amen.
The importance of that day lay not on the fact that I ate takeout, but that the takeout was significantly different. To this day, I do not know the ingredients, but by some odd twist of fate, that meal reached me and eventually caused me to take a HUGE dump, of which people will also talk in the years to come. Still, I did not know the significance of those turds until today.
My toilet had been oozing little brown shitties ever since, which led me to believe that a mischievous turd had been lodged in the toilet to forever torment me, and I have to flush every single day. I, of course, tried to get rid of it using conventional means like chlorine, more turds, nuclear weapons and flushing embryos down the toilet so they may clean it and return safely home (umbilical cords come in VERY useful when there's no air), but to no avail. Any other person would be frustrated from this seemingly inexhaustible turd, but it got me thinking. WHAT IF WE COULD USE ITS ENERGY TO POWER OUR HOMES?!
And thus, the notion of harnessing the power of shit was born. Einstein in his theory of relativity tells us that mass, when completely annihilated, will produce energy equal to mc^2, where c is the speed of light (299,792,458 m/sec in a vacuum). So, for the less technically inclined, this would give us a whopping 89,875,517,873,681,764 Joules of energy for a mere kilogram of shit! As you can imagine, this is a major scientific breakthrough, but this fact has been known to physicists the world over for many years. The revolution that I propose today comes from the fact that the turd in my toilet (and thus every turd in the world) has apparently infinite mass, so we could power everything in the world by a single turd.
This, however, would be a bit impractical, since we would have to distribute the energy to everyone. Turds, though, are so abundant, that we are not limited to my turd. Anyone could shit and convert it to energy and be happy for a lifetime. Therefore, to avoid anyone making money off my scheme, I am patenting the idea of making energy from shit, or making anything from shit, for that matter. USING MANURE IS ILLEGAL FROM NOW ON, YOU MUST PAY ME. Hey, while I'm at it, I will patent the idea of producing energy altogether. Aha, yet another ambitious plan hatches! But I digress.
Think of all the uses this would find! The implications are manifold, and the uses are various and all equally important:
These were only some of the magnificent uses of this great new technology that I have discovered. Only time will show how deeply this will affect us and how rich it will make me. If you are a company and have lots of money to spend on me, call me at 555-EATSHIT.
The importance of that day lay not on the fact that I ate takeout, but that the takeout was significantly different. To this day, I do not know the ingredients, but by some odd twist of fate, that meal reached me and eventually caused me to take a HUGE dump, of which people will also talk in the years to come. Still, I did not know the significance of those turds until today.
My toilet had been oozing little brown shitties ever since, which led me to believe that a mischievous turd had been lodged in the toilet to forever torment me, and I have to flush every single day. I, of course, tried to get rid of it using conventional means like chlorine, more turds, nuclear weapons and flushing embryos down the toilet so they may clean it and return safely home (umbilical cords come in VERY useful when there's no air), but to no avail. Any other person would be frustrated from this seemingly inexhaustible turd, but it got me thinking. WHAT IF WE COULD USE ITS ENERGY TO POWER OUR HOMES?!
And thus, the notion of harnessing the power of shit was born. Einstein in his theory of relativity tells us that mass, when completely annihilated, will produce energy equal to mc^2, where c is the speed of light (299,792,458 m/sec in a vacuum). So, for the less technically inclined, this would give us a whopping 89,875,517,873,681,764 Joules of energy for a mere kilogram of shit! As you can imagine, this is a major scientific breakthrough, but this fact has been known to physicists the world over for many years. The revolution that I propose today comes from the fact that the turd in my toilet (and thus every turd in the world) has apparently infinite mass, so we could power everything in the world by a single turd.
This, however, would be a bit impractical, since we would have to distribute the energy to everyone. Turds, though, are so abundant, that we are not limited to my turd. Anyone could shit and convert it to energy and be happy for a lifetime. Therefore, to avoid anyone making money off my scheme, I am patenting the idea of making energy from shit, or making anything from shit, for that matter. USING MANURE IS ILLEGAL FROM NOW ON, YOU MUST PAY ME. Hey, while I'm at it, I will patent the idea of producing energy altogether. Aha, yet another ambitious plan hatches! But I digress.
Think of all the uses this would find! The implications are manifold, and the uses are various and all equally important:
- Cars. Your car has run out of gas in the middle of nowhere and you have no cell phone? Just open the special hatch, take a dump in it, and voila! Your car will run great for at least another ten years, at which time it will break down (the shit will continue to give off energy, though). You can even eat some extra beans or burritos, if you're street racing and you need that extra oomph. Forget about NOS, Turdous Oxide is here to stay.
- Turd bombs. Unfortunately, every major discovery is bound to be used for evil, so here it is. That country over there is getting cheeky?. You need more weapons to win the war against terrorism? The neighbour is giving you a hard time? Create a TurdBomb(tm) and blow the entire galaxy up! That'll teach 'em!
- Getting paid to shit. Don't let restaurants, gas stations and other public/private restrooms con you into shitting for free. From now on shitting will only take place in special donation banks, much like blood and semen. You will get paid handsomely for a single turd, and sending crap as aid for third-world countries will not only be accepted, but greatly endorsed!
These were only some of the magnificent uses of this great new technology that I have discovered. Only time will show how deeply this will affect us and how rich it will make me. If you are a company and have lots of money to spend on me, call me at 555-EATSHIT.
posted by Poromenos at 2:02 PM
1 Comments:
That was quite a story. It would be a great idea, if it worked. But that will have to be cientifically tested. A wile ago i discovered something strange aswel.
There is a new type of fart. A fart wich I lakely encountered. Luckely from a big distance. You might think that you wouldn't hear or smell it then, but guess again.
A week or so it was a shiny sunny day till someone came past me. Nobody special, but when he was about 800 feet behind me, he farted. How did I knew that?
You could hear it. From what i heard after what happened(I fled away) his right leg spontaniously pulled strait and kicked forward from the power his assmuscles tensed. His buttflappes vibrated in a high frequency from the insane speed the gas was forced through, causing a sickening sound that would give you goosebumps.
The worst was that braun pieces where launced from his butthole. On top of that, the stench was so unbeleavebly growce that nobody survived within a radius of 300 feet.
The ground actually shaked from the awesome fart-power.
So be careful for farts next time. They are not so innocent as they seem.
Shit has such incredible power, unbeleavable!
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