Kids.
I was watching TV today and this commercial for pampers asswipe things for babies came on. It was the dumbest thing ever, there's this baby that goes to the bathroom and looks at the toilet (which was like, twice its size), and he obviously wants to pee, so he has to climb on it because he is of course too old to be wearing diapers (said baby sneers).
He removes his pants (CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IN COMMERCIALS? SHAME ON YOU, PAMPERS) and mounts the bowl reluctantly, at which point a voice can be heard booming in the background: "YOU ARE THE LORD OF THE TOILET, THE KING OF THE CRAPPER. YOU WILL DEFEAT THE EVIL DEMON TURDERON AND RECLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL POSITION UPON THE TOILET BOWL!". The kid hears the voice spur him on, and, taking courage, he attacks the crapper with force with a mighty turd, of which he is infinitely proud.
Alas, his victory is short-lived as fate strikes him another terrible blow. He discovers to his great dismay that he is unable to wipe his tender royal bottom alone, without the help of a GROWNUP, and he hears his mother call to him, "Do you need some help?". Devastated, our small hero sits atop the smouldering remains of Turderon, pondering how best to deal with the horrendous situation that has befallen him, when suddenly, like a deus ex machina, PAMPERS EZ-WIPES (or some shit like that) appear! The voice once again bellows "Now you can wipe your own ass, young prince!", and our hero is overjoyed as he can remove his own shit from now on.
I am unable to comprehend what kind of marketing strategy would lead to an idea of this magnitude of ingenuity and genius. A kid tries to crap and can't wipe his ass, but now with the special magical electronic Pampers tissues, he can. "You are the lord of the toilet"? Give me a break, that's what gets kids all pumped up and next thing you know, they think they're Superman and they jump off buildings or write websites like realultimatepower.net.
Some people might actually think it's cute, but let me tell you, there's NOTHING cute about babies taking dumps. If you had to change a diaper, you already know that. I hate it how you take their diaper full of shit and the little bastards sit there with their foot in their mouth looking at you with contempt. I'm sure they're thinking "haha, look, I can make you take my shit and carry it around while I enjoy sucking on my toe, and all I had to do is cry a bit, which is what I do anyway!". I honestly believe that babies are able to shit in the toilet, change their own diapers, cook their food and work for a living, but they are conspiring against us because they enjoy all the attention and grooming.
Pampers is to blame for all that. Damn you, Pampers!
(Pampers is a registered trademark of Pampers, Inc or something)
He removes his pants (CHILD PORNOGRAPHY IN COMMERCIALS? SHAME ON YOU, PAMPERS) and mounts the bowl reluctantly, at which point a voice can be heard booming in the background: "YOU ARE THE LORD OF THE TOILET, THE KING OF THE CRAPPER. YOU WILL DEFEAT THE EVIL DEMON TURDERON AND RECLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL POSITION UPON THE TOILET BOWL!". The kid hears the voice spur him on, and, taking courage, he attacks the crapper with force with a mighty turd, of which he is infinitely proud.
Alas, his victory is short-lived as fate strikes him another terrible blow. He discovers to his great dismay that he is unable to wipe his tender royal bottom alone, without the help of a GROWNUP, and he hears his mother call to him, "Do you need some help?". Devastated, our small hero sits atop the smouldering remains of Turderon, pondering how best to deal with the horrendous situation that has befallen him, when suddenly, like a deus ex machina, PAMPERS EZ-WIPES (or some shit like that) appear! The voice once again bellows "Now you can wipe your own ass, young prince!", and our hero is overjoyed as he can remove his own shit from now on.
I am unable to comprehend what kind of marketing strategy would lead to an idea of this magnitude of ingenuity and genius. A kid tries to crap and can't wipe his ass, but now with the special magical electronic Pampers tissues, he can. "You are the lord of the toilet"? Give me a break, that's what gets kids all pumped up and next thing you know, they think they're Superman and they jump off buildings or write websites like realultimatepower.net.
Some people might actually think it's cute, but let me tell you, there's NOTHING cute about babies taking dumps. If you had to change a diaper, you already know that. I hate it how you take their diaper full of shit and the little bastards sit there with their foot in their mouth looking at you with contempt. I'm sure they're thinking "haha, look, I can make you take my shit and carry it around while I enjoy sucking on my toe, and all I had to do is cry a bit, which is what I do anyway!". I honestly believe that babies are able to shit in the toilet, change their own diapers, cook their food and work for a living, but they are conspiring against us because they enjoy all the attention and grooming.
Pampers is to blame for all that. Damn you, Pampers!
(Pampers is a registered trademark of Pampers, Inc or something)
posted by Poromenos at 9:11 PM
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