Americans - What are you doing?!
While I was on my toilet pondering the deeper aspects of life, I remembered the notion of teabagging. This led me to cogitate about the wonderful and largely unexplored continent that is America, and, more precisely, the United States. In the following text I shall present you with fundamental issues questioning the sanity of the American culture.
First and foremost, there is teabagging. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it has something to do with the scrotum and the forehead or the oral cavity. I am unable to understand what kind of sick, twisted individual could come up with this noumenon, for its genius is truly beyond mortal intellect. I seriously believe that if you rounded up a thousand of the least mature 16-year-olds they would not be able to conceive something even remotely resembling this. The only situation where teabagging would be acceptable if the receiver is a blender, a lawn mower or a chainsaw (all turned on). I don't know about you, but where I live, if one was to say "Hey, look at this passed out dude, I should put my balls in his mouth", he would instantly be carried away by a mob of angry people and would be castrated publicly.
Ah, the art of violently pulling underwear. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? I told my 4 year old brother about it and he said "wow, that's immature!". Well, actually he said "ti anorimi malakia", but you wouldn't understand that, would you? I don't know if the teens we see in teen movies really exist in the U.S. or if they are a figment of Hollywood's imagination, but if they do exist, their collective intellect is lower than that of a celery stalk, because I've never seen a celery stalk perform a wedgie on another celery stalk, and if I had, I would bring it to the Jerry Springer show and I would be rich. I cannot even begin to comprehend what pleasure one might possibly get from performing this manoeuvre. Again, if one was to perform it here, one would get his ass kicked by two, the receiver of said wedgie, along with the aforementioned angry mob.
The king of imagination, the epitome of intelligence, a swirlie is performed by inserting the victim's head in the lavatory and then flushing it. All my vocabulary has been exhausted on the previous two pearls of human genius, therefore I cannot find words to sufficiently describe the revolution in enjoyment that is the swirlie. Uplifting, morally cleansing and intelectually stimulating, the swirlie is indeed the king amongst human inventions. I would have to spend my entire life finding someone (outside the U.S.) willing to perform a swirlie if I paid them, let alone receive one. I assume violence would work on the latter, as is usually the case, but even if I could find the two parties involved, I would still not be very proud of myself because I just wasted a life.
I guess that there are two sides to every coin, and the home of cheap electronics, $1 Big Macs and the Statue of Liberty also has its bad sides, although I must acknowledge that only an intellect of the magnitude of Einstein, Aristotle and myself could come up with these amazing innovations, so that is not necessarily a bad thing. Due to a phenomenal lack of a good way to close this post, I will simply stop writi
Teabagging
First and foremost, there is teabagging. I don't know exactly what it is, but I think it has something to do with the scrotum and the forehead or the oral cavity. I am unable to understand what kind of sick, twisted individual could come up with this noumenon, for its genius is truly beyond mortal intellect. I seriously believe that if you rounded up a thousand of the least mature 16-year-olds they would not be able to conceive something even remotely resembling this. The only situation where teabagging would be acceptable if the receiver is a blender, a lawn mower or a chainsaw (all turned on). I don't know about you, but where I live, if one was to say "Hey, look at this passed out dude, I should put my balls in his mouth", he would instantly be carried away by a mob of angry people and would be castrated publicly.
Wedgie
Ah, the art of violently pulling underwear. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? I told my 4 year old brother about it and he said "wow, that's immature!". Well, actually he said "ti anorimi malakia", but you wouldn't understand that, would you? I don't know if the teens we see in teen movies really exist in the U.S. or if they are a figment of Hollywood's imagination, but if they do exist, their collective intellect is lower than that of a celery stalk, because I've never seen a celery stalk perform a wedgie on another celery stalk, and if I had, I would bring it to the Jerry Springer show and I would be rich. I cannot even begin to comprehend what pleasure one might possibly get from performing this manoeuvre. Again, if one was to perform it here, one would get his ass kicked by two, the receiver of said wedgie, along with the aforementioned angry mob.
Swirlie
The king of imagination, the epitome of intelligence, a swirlie is performed by inserting the victim's head in the lavatory and then flushing it. All my vocabulary has been exhausted on the previous two pearls of human genius, therefore I cannot find words to sufficiently describe the revolution in enjoyment that is the swirlie. Uplifting, morally cleansing and intelectually stimulating, the swirlie is indeed the king amongst human inventions. I would have to spend my entire life finding someone (outside the U.S.) willing to perform a swirlie if I paid them, let alone receive one. I assume violence would work on the latter, as is usually the case, but even if I could find the two parties involved, I would still not be very proud of myself because I just wasted a life.
I guess that there are two sides to every coin, and the home of cheap electronics, $1 Big Macs and the Statue of Liberty also has its bad sides, although I must acknowledge that only an intellect of the magnitude of Einstein, Aristotle and myself could come up with these amazing innovations, so that is not necessarily a bad thing. Due to a phenomenal lack of a good way to close this post, I will simply stop writi
posted by Poromenos at 2:34 PM
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