Cooking: Tortellini con Prosciutto
Hello dear reader, and welcome. I would like to inaugurate our new section, aptly entitled "Cooking". Do you live alone, and you are too lazy to cook yourself? Is your girlfriend a worthless bitch and she couldn't cook to save her life? Are you tired of eating out and spending a fortune on Big Macs? Do all cookbooks assume like you have all day to cook and a servant to keep your fridge stocked and clean after you? Then our new section is for you. Read on, and you will understand.
Dish: Tortellini con Prosciutto with bacon (sounds impressive, huh?).
Preparation time: 1 South Park episode.
Stuff that will need cleanup afterwards: 1 pot (WARNING: This will look like you held a bukkake session in it, but don't despair), 1 knife, 1 tablespoon, a strainer.
Ingredients: 1 bag of tortellini (with prosciutto if you like meat, or cheese if you don't), 1 pack of cream (the white gooey stuff that looks like cum), 1/2 tsp. of salt (levelled), 5 slices of bacon, 70 grams of grated Parmesan (or other cheese).
Calories: Enough to keep your house warm for a few months, so make sure you get light cream.
People: This dish is enough for 2 normal people, so you'll get quite full with it.
First of all, pour some water in the pot (not a lot, about 0.75 lt or so), and let it boil (you will know when it does from all the bubbles. Wait for the big bubbles, not the little ones). When it boils, throw the tortellini and the salt in. You should let those boil for 11 minutes while stirring frequently with the spoon (no idea why) and watching South Park (preferably episode 107 - Pink Eye). When it is done, pour them in the strainer and leave them to dry as you cunningly prepare for the next step.
Empty the pot, rinse it a bit and let it dry while you also rinse the spoon, then throw in the cream. Chop the bacon up into little pieces and throw those in too, and then some grated cheese. Then put the tortellini in and throw the rest of the cheese in for good measure. Put it on the stove (on the lowest temperature it has to offer). Stir fervently with the tablespoon until the cream thickens, the cheese dissolves and the tortellini are all covered in the gooey mess that will appear.
This is what it should look like. If it's any different, you're a dumbass.
Now your gourmet lunch is ready to be eaten. Serve in the pot (why make a mess in a plate when you can avoid it?). You have just prepared a meal that would make your mom jealous and you still have time to watch the South Park episode while eating. You can definitely impress chicks with this (on the other hand, if they do get surprised it means they can't cook for shit, so what are you doing with her? Unless, of course, she's hot).
Warning: You should clean the pot and stuff RIGHT AWAY, otherwise, much like semen on your ass, the cream will thicken and it will, again much like semen on your ass, mean that you have gotten screwed, and that will be a bitch to clean. If you do leave it despite my warnings, you deserve to die, so I will not tell you that you should put some hot water in it and leave it to soften the cream.
I hope you liked today's cooking update. We will be back with more food.
Dish: Tortellini con Prosciutto with bacon (sounds impressive, huh?).
Preparation time: 1 South Park episode.
Stuff that will need cleanup afterwards: 1 pot (WARNING: This will look like you held a bukkake session in it, but don't despair), 1 knife, 1 tablespoon, a strainer.
Ingredients: 1 bag of tortellini (with prosciutto if you like meat, or cheese if you don't), 1 pack of cream (the white gooey stuff that looks like cum), 1/2 tsp. of salt (levelled), 5 slices of bacon, 70 grams of grated Parmesan (or other cheese).
Calories: Enough to keep your house warm for a few months, so make sure you get light cream.
People: This dish is enough for 2 normal people, so you'll get quite full with it.
First of all, pour some water in the pot (not a lot, about 0.75 lt or so), and let it boil (you will know when it does from all the bubbles. Wait for the big bubbles, not the little ones). When it boils, throw the tortellini and the salt in. You should let those boil for 11 minutes while stirring frequently with the spoon (no idea why) and watching South Park (preferably episode 107 - Pink Eye). When it is done, pour them in the strainer and leave them to dry as you cunningly prepare for the next step.
Empty the pot, rinse it a bit and let it dry while you also rinse the spoon, then throw in the cream. Chop the bacon up into little pieces and throw those in too, and then some grated cheese. Then put the tortellini in and throw the rest of the cheese in for good measure. Put it on the stove (on the lowest temperature it has to offer). Stir fervently with the tablespoon until the cream thickens, the cheese dissolves and the tortellini are all covered in the gooey mess that will appear.
This is what it should look like. If it's any different, you're a dumbass.
Now your gourmet lunch is ready to be eaten. Serve in the pot (why make a mess in a plate when you can avoid it?). You have just prepared a meal that would make your mom jealous and you still have time to watch the South Park episode while eating. You can definitely impress chicks with this (on the other hand, if they do get surprised it means they can't cook for shit, so what are you doing with her? Unless, of course, she's hot).
Warning: You should clean the pot and stuff RIGHT AWAY, otherwise, much like semen on your ass, the cream will thicken and it will, again much like semen on your ass, mean that you have gotten screwed, and that will be a bitch to clean. If you do leave it despite my warnings, you deserve to die, so I will not tell you that you should put some hot water in it and leave it to soften the cream.
I hope you liked today's cooking update. We will be back with more food.
posted by Poromenos at 9:20 PM
1 Comments:
Just like semen in my ass, I loved it.
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