Your own cult: A HOWTO.

Cults. They are everywhere. People follow greasy, smelly individuals and worship them as Gods. How can this be? We at Porocrom have prepared a special guide for you, the amateur cult founder. Following these simple guidelines, you too can have your very own cult in only a few days*.

First and foremost, you need to find a Catchy Concept for your cult. This is the basis upon all else will be built. The power of the self? A supreme being? Aliens? You? What will be the factor that sets your cult apart from others? We at Porocrom suggest you use something ubiquitous, but very hard to understand (Good example: The theory of relativity. Bad example: Women. You could lose half your customers if you based it on women).

Next, the mandatory Promise of Well-being. Nobody will join a cult that promises to make them slaves, they all want happiness/lots of sex. This is as important to your success as the first point. The Promise will make people want to join you, and the Catchy Concept will make them want to stay. This will attract many many desperate people. If you want to attract rich, influential people, the Promise should be one of power and profit. It's all about choices. Do you want to become rich and influential, or have an army of people who will obey your every whim? It's up to you. By the way, if you choose the former, make sure you charge A LOT for admission, and make sure you have prepared fancy rituals in manors (think Eyes Wide Shut).

In our experience, the more successful cults are the ones who have the most loyal following (i.e. who brainwash people enough to make them obey blindly). Make sure the spiritual aspects of your cult are airtight. Add some safeguards such as "I am omniscient and I have a plan you can't know" whenever you can't explain something, or "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" whenever you are about to make them do something very stupid. Also, make it impossible to refute any of your principal truths by adding circular logic in it, for example "Whatever I say is true, because I always speak the truth" (i.e. "Whatever I say is true because whatever I say is true") or "I am the Supreme Being and you must worship me, and you know this is true because the Supreme Being does not lie". Jumble things enough so that the less intelligent of your followers won't be able to make sense, and the more intelligent will be to ashamed to challenge you. If all your followers are clever (for example if you chose Cult Type 2), you should abandon the spiritual aspect of your cult altogether (or make it vague and thinly veiled) and focus on the power, riches and amusement you will give them instead. Also, with Type 2, you must make it a secret cult, because what good is a cult of rich people when everyone knows who they are? Make sure you add initiation ceremonies and lifetime membership. Also, if someone tries to leave, make sure they meet with an "unfortunate accident" a few weeks later. This way you will keep your followers both satisfied and afraid.

If all goes according to plan, you should be well on your way to having a faithful following by now. You must also beware of the caveats though. For example, if you tell your people that you are the representative of your Supreme Being on earth, don't forget to invent a Supreme Being, or some people might not believe it. Consequently, if you tell them you are the Supreme Being, make sure you have some superpowers to show them (card tricks work well). Also, if you chose the el-cheapo cult type, make sure you provide for your people, because they sure as hell ain't gonna have enough money to do it themselves. You could raise enough money to do that by asking them to give you everything they have and then cutting down on costs by making them wear white unisex cotton robes and live on bread, water and vitamins. Be creative. If you choose the lavish cult type you must provide your members with enough amusement that they don't get bored, say "fuck this cult" and leave. The upside, though, is that you will have more than enough money to do it. If you lack imagination you'd better go with the el-cheapo cult.

One of the most important questions after you have gathered a following of a few thousand people is "What do I do with them?". There are plenty of choices there. Some people choose to commit mass suicide, but this has several disadvantages, the main of which is that you, well, die. By the way, if you have promised your members post-mortem well-being, make sure you also tell them that they won't achieve it by committing suicide, otherwise you will see their numbers decrease very quickly. Appropriate excuses for this are "The more you serve me, the more chances you will have of a promotion in the afterlife" and "Don't cheat by killing yourself, or you won't go to the <insert favorite pasture here>". If you are careful to follow these guidelines, your cult will live a long and happy life.

To answer my previous question, you could have your followers work in their day jobs and give you all their money (which will probably all go towards their food/shelter), and have the most useless of them work in the house/field/cave you have set up as your domain. You could also have a harem of the most attractive members of the opposite sex (or, hey, even same sex, whatever flies your flag, we're not judging). If your clientele is the influential type, you could have them make you president of a small country or introduce you to all the hot actresses/singers/what have you. The possibilities are endless.

This concludes today's Howto, we wish you good luck with your endeavour. Of course, when you make it big, you will remember your old friends here at Porocrom, won't you?

* Results may vary

My Nobel prize.

The Nobel prizes. The Oscars of the intellectual world. The most illustrious ceremony since Moses parted the seas. The ultimate prize someone can get. The biggest fallacy since the female orgasm.

Yes, that's right. The Nobel prizes are FAKE. Big, fat fakers, all of them. We at Porocrom bring you another startling discovery, with concrete proof which we shall show you momentarily (and by momentarily I don't mean in a moment, I mean for a moment, because actually I made them up). The Nobel peace prizes are actually a fictitious scheme instigated by Alfred Nobel to deceive everyone apart from a few important people and to make those people feel better about themselves.

Think about it. When have you ever seen a Nobel prize ceremony take place, or heard of anyone actually receive one? Sure, you have heard about people being Nobel prize winners, but it is not clear when they received it. Whereas the Oscars, while much inferior, attract everyone's attention and are accompanied by media frenzy each year. One would think that the Nobel peace prize ceremony would cause the scientific/literary/whatever community to foam at the mouth and babble incomprehensible words, but no. Nothing! Therefore, I am forced to believe that it is fictitious.

In light of this new discovery, and since it logically follows that the Nobel prize winners have not actually ever won any prizes, I proclaim myself a Nobel physics prize winner for my discovery of the amazing power of shit, and my good friend Crommunist a Nobel literature prize winner for this amazing piece. I shall now stop writing because A) A Nobel physics prize winner can't just write whatever crap he thinks of and 2) I must shit. Also, some people have complained that my posts end too abruptly. No they don't.