Dreams.

Fellow men. I would like to alert you to a clear and present danger that threatens to destroy our very free will. I am talking about the insidious tactic of women invading our dreams and causing us to fall in love with them.

When I was younger I heard somewhere the notion that a girl prayed to God to make her get into the dream of the man she loved and make him love her back. At the time, I was like "Wtf you dumb broad, how the hell is that shit going to work?", until I have had the very same thing happen to me. Yes, gentlemen, yesterday I dreamt of a girl and now I am in love with her. It is a most unfortunate incident.

I am sure you or a friend of yours has, at some point, fallen in love with a girl he dreamt about. I know this because two of my friends admitted it after I informed them of my predicament. At least I was lucky enough to fall in love with the hottest girl in our school (if you're reading this, Kiki, that's you), and not some random dog. A friend of mine, though, had the misfortune to fall in love with a girl he didn't even like, and for a few months nonetheless! You can imagine the dismay such an incident might bring upon the subject, especially if his affections are not well-received.

It is not like us at Porocrom, though, to merely reiterate facts and stand idly by watching other people fall in the same trap. Caveat, dormitor, for your life is at stake. Our proposals are summarised here:

Legislation: You can always pressure your local congressman (I fear this only works in the U.S.) to enact a law that would prevent unauthorised access to people's dreams by treacherous spinsters who would do anything to make a man fall in love with them. This law would not really prevent you from falling in love with women, but it would give you firm legal ground for suing the shit out of every woman who dared do it.

Stop sleeping: This is the most successful strategy. If you don't sleep, they can't haunt you. The catch is, though, that after a few days you will start to hallucinate, and you might fall in love with someone then. This is, however, highly unlikely. Another downside is that, generally, sleepless people tend not to perform as well in various tasks, such as knitting and sniping, so, if your line of work includes either or both, this technique might not suit you.

Get a girlfriend: This is nigh impossible to perform, for the simple reason that, hey, you're a guy falling in love with women he dreamt of, does that sound like the kind of guy who could get a girlfriend to you? I am obviously the exception in this rule, because I do. Rule, that is. If you could do this, though, all your problems would be over, because hopefully your girlfriend would make you forget about the other woman with the ancient technique of fellatio.

Unfortunately, some of you might already be in the situation I so vividly describe. Fear not, gentle reader, for there might still be a chance for you. We have thought long and hard and we would like to propose the following:

Stalk her: The tried-and-true technique of stalking is one of the easiest and most effective techniques a man can employ. Equipped with a pair of nightvision goggles, a parabolic microphone and a hacker friend, no part of your loved one's privacy will be left unexposed to your vigilant eye. You can optionally get a nightvision camera, if you want to savour the moments you spend together with your bride-to-be.

Confess your feelings: This one, I wouldn't recommend. You could talk to her and tell her how you feel, but, no matter how cute this may be (in a somewhat disturbing way), it is ill-advised for two reasons. Firstly, would you want to be involved with a freak that fell in love with you in her sleep? I didn't think so. Secondly, if you had any chance with her, you wouldn't be wasting your life reading the putrid crap I spew, or perhaps the other way around.

Guile: If her IQ is in the single digits, you could try telling her that she is pregnant with your child, and that you would like to marry her to restore her honour. I have actually had this trick work on two occasions, but one was a vegetable and the other one was in a coma, so neither was very enthusiastic about marrying me. Or not marrying me, for that matter. Come to think of it, they were quite indifferent. I never got married to either, at any rate.

I hope this survival guide has helped you out of another difficult situation. Our next installment will feature ducks, because, as CNN.com mentions, jokes with ducks are considered particularly funny.