Computers in movies.

I was watching Alien 1 yesterday, and I noticed that computers are always dealt with in the same way in many movies. I have prepared a small list of these cliches for you:

Whenever there is an "Access Denied" message there is an "Override" button.
"I'm sorry, I cannot let you see these files because they are top secret and only the Prime Minister of Greece can look at them, but if you ask me again I will be happy to oblige". Seriously, how gay is that? Why would anyone do that? Are they expecting the character to say "Oooh, access is denied, I'd better not tire myself with pressing an extra button and go along doing my business!". Or in Demolition Man, where the dude was so highly trained while being an ice cube that he could make "Override" buttons magically appear on "Access Denied" windows.

Whenever someone looks at a screen, the letters are projected on their face.
"Hey, look, his face is a screen, cool!". This increases readability immensely, I suppose, since everyone can see on your face what you are seeing. That wouldn't be so useful if the character was watching porn instead of saving planet X, would it?

Hackers always run away from the police in great big car-chases.
"Let's run from the police now that we have defaced this website! That will surely make the police forget our names and addresses and we can live happily ever after." No, sorry, in reality you just get a paper telling you to come to court, and you're screwed. You don't even need a fancy car for that.

Good hackers can guess the password that consists of one letter in a few tries. Security agencies cannot.
"Hey, I will just use my birthday year as the password. Surely noone will guess that!" Tough luck, because the mindpower of the trained hacker is immense, and he can look right through your powerful encryption scheme immediately. Setting passwords like egr#RGerg&*97GE3qg9jh23s is more secure, but let's face it, your company secrets aren't worth that much anyway.

Whenever text is output to the screen it comes on letter by letter and the really advanced computers can make a sound, too.
"Wow, this is great! No more instant display, now the computer can display the text at this stupidly slow rate so that I cannot read it as easily!" Our technology has not yet reached the point of making text appear gradually, and it will be a giant leap for mankind when it does.

The more acronyms the computer's parts' names have, the better they are.
"I have a RISC processor with OMFG architecture and a WOM chip interfaced by a USB cable on the LAN peripheral through PCI-ISA interface. Needless to say, I have a TB of RAM and a SB of WTF MB w/9000 GFX card." Names that ordinary people can understand mean that the computer sucks. Hackers know all the acronyms by heart, and that is the mark of the good hacker.

If you are a Hollywood movie director (Earth to Poromenos, wake up Poromenos), read this list and please make a movie about computers that does not suck. Also, hire me as a creative consultant at $6000/mo. Cheap, no?

Olympic good manners.

Hello all you non-Greek people. Today I would like to teach you something about Olympic ideals, the greatness of the Olympic spirit and all that crap. I have noticed that many foreign people have won medals in the Olympics, mainly from China, the U.S. and other less significant countries. I would like to say on that matter, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
In the olden days, all the ancient Greeks got together and discussed ways to prevent their turning into modern Greeks (they didn't succeed), and also played various sports that have been mentioned in previous posts. All the medals went to Greeks. Nowadays this isn't the case, many people from other countries are winning in sports. This is unacceptable. I, being the magnanimous person that I am, will allow you to win the silver and bronze medals to keep you happy. But gold medals are OFF LIMITS to non-Greeks.
It's not polite to win other people's games, that's kinda like playing hide-and-seek with your friends and the geeky boy from around the corner sees you and goes "hey, can I play?" and you think "well, what the heck, he's a good boy and so dorky that nobody plays with him anyway", so you let him play with you, and he wins. How rude is that?
I bet you don't like it when this happens, so you can imagine my anger and frustration. So if you are an athlete and you get to participate in future Olympics, whenever a Greek is ahead of you, make sure he stays ahead of you (unless you are a Greek athlete, then what the hell are you doing here, go train).
Like I said earlier, you are free to win the silver medal. I was going to start a petition to remove the silver medal because it is the worst position anyone can get, because it shows that you are almost the best but not quite, making you even suckier than the worst athlete in the world. Then I thought, why remove it when you can give it to other people? So, in all my generosity, I give that to you. Also, Namibia rocks.

Poromenos' drawing lessons.

As you can see, in my previous rant I have posted magnificent images of my vacation. You may be saying "Oh, Poromenos, Poromenos, teach me how to draw as magnificently as you." Because I am a kind and generous person I will say "What the hell? You can never draw like this, you silly person". However, I can teach you how to draw pictures that come close (or nowhere near close) to mine, so here we go.
First of all, you must buy a copy of Photoshop. Photoshop is the best program for drawing, and it is even a verb meaning "to draw", much like Google is a verb meaning "to search". If this hasn't convinced you about how great Photoshop is, I will tell you that not even Paint Shop Pro can match Photoshop's features, and it is an essential program if you are serious about drawing great pictures. So you must get that, it's totally worth the $700 you have to pay. After you get that, we can start the lessons now. I'm using Paint Shop Pro, which is the same as Photoshop, because like hell am I going to pay $700 for a program that does the same as Paint Shop Pro and I can use the Paint Shop Pro trial to draw for free. So you Photoshop users, it's almost the same thing, so when I say "Paintbrush", you will go to the "Drawing brush" or whatever.
First of all, you must select the "Paintbrush" tool. Select the black colour and draw a circle, like this:

This will be the HEAD. Draw two little circles on it for eyes, and then draw the mouth and nose, like this:

Then, you will draw the body, drawing one line for the torso and four for the arms and legs, unless you want your person to have more than two arms or legs or tentacles or whatever:

You might think that you are done but you are wrong and you are expelled from class because nobody told you to think, did we? You must draw the hair, because nobody will know if it is a man or woman if your person is bald. Look at how much better this is:

Can you not immediately tell that it is a man now? You can keep adding various embellishments or traits to your person, such as this (I have drawn myself here):

I don't think that you will be able to draw like this because it requires lots of talent, but you can at least try. Don't worry if you don't succeed at first, because that only means you suck. Stop trying and do something else, like collecting garbage from the streets.
Good day.

Poromenos' vacation.

Today I just came back from a 7-day vacation to Parga (it's a small town in Greece, I don't expect you to know where it is). It was overall nice, and I shall go into more detail at once. Here are some things that I liked and some things that I didn't like about it, with pictures.

Good: The women on the beach were all topless.
Bad: The women on the beach were all over 50 years old.
Conclusion: Girls. I would love to see your boobs, but only if they don't cause me nightmares. Most of the women could easily hide their breasts in their thongs, that is UNACCEPTABLE. One woman even had a navel ring and was affectionately kissing and hugging her significant other, who could have easily passed for a fossil. Another shameless couple proceeded to remove their bathing suits once they entered the water, and took a few dives, looking like sperm whales with their white asses. None of them were Greeks, because 1) we kill all the women over 40 and 2) we kill all the ugly women. This helps to strengthen our genetic predisposition towards beauty by selective breeding. Also it rocks. So, bottom line is, if you are over 25 or are not slim, please bathe in a nightgown.

Good: The food was very good or very cheap.
Bad: Never both.
Conclusion: What the hell is this? Why do I have to eat food prepared 4 hours ago and warmed up? What's wrong with you people? There were, of course, classy restaurants that were quite expensive (well, I'm overreacting, they were like $9 per person). Foreigners excelled in this area, as the classy restaurants' owners were English, Dutch or the generic-blond-with-blue-eyes-countryman type. So it was overall nice, if you knew where to eat (by the way, the English waitress was HOT).

Good: There were some HOT chicks there.
Bad: They wouldn't even look at me.
Conclusion: I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I don't speak English. I'm 1.89 85 kgs (that's like 1ft 1.230lbs for you weird people) and they wouldn't even look at me. LOOK AT ME, I SAID. But no. Maybe it's because I was with my family. Maybe it's because they were with their boyfriends. Hm, nah, that can't be it. But, girls, my phone number is 555-1234. If you saw me and didn't look at me because you were with your boyfriend, please call me. Also, ATTENTION: To hot Swedish-looking chick who got her caricature drawn with her boyfriend: I know you were looking at me, call me at the aforementioned number. Kthx.

Below are some pictures of my holidays:


This is a hot chick ignoring me.


This is me sunbathing.


This is me fishing underwater.


This is me eating at a Mexican restaurant.


This is a topless 50 year old topless woman with a pot belly.

I hope you enjoyed looking at my vacation pictures as much as I enjoyed looking at old womens' breasts. Bastards.

A comprehensive guide to Olympic Sports.

One of my favorite pastimes these days is to watch the Olympics. Today, however, I realised that many people may not know what some sports are about or how they are played, so I will do you this huge favor and explain every sport separately.

Aquatics

The Aquatics consist of four sports. The first is swimming, which dates all the way back to ancient Greece, where they liked to throw kids in the sea and watch them try to outswim the sharks. The fastest child with a head got the gold medal. It is still almost the same today, but without the sharks. The second sport is water polo, where athletes struggle not to drown, and if they happen to score while trying to catch the ball (which floats and therefore provides a means of salvation), they win. If they drown, they lose. Then there is diving, where they throw you off a cliff and you have to spin and spin and spin and spin aimlessly and hope you don't land in the water with your belly, because you're dead. Then there is synchronised swimming, which is the most useful sport in real life of the four. There are two athletes who, while falling, have to watch each other and spin simultaneously. The athletes who look the least, win.

Archery

Most of you already know archery, it is the sport in which you get a ridiculously oversized bow which has a computer, a TV and a DVD player mounted on it, and you try to shoot arrows at the target while you are watching a movie on the DVD. Ancient Greeks used to have their normal bows which were only a stick with a piece of thread tied to it, and they had to shoot slaves in the eye to win.

Athletics

Athletics are sports in which you run (or walk) like hell various distances, ranging from 100m (that's like 10 ft for you americans) to 40 km (that's 30 ft for you americans) and maybe jump a bit too.

Badminton

Badminton is gay as hell, there are two people who toss a feather (called a shuttlecock) to each other. If neither of them wants it, why don't they just give it to the judges and go drink a beer? Anyway, nobody knows the point of this sport, and I don't think you get any medals for it.

Baseball

There is no hope for anyone to understand this sport. Only Americans pretend to understand it because they don't want to look stupid because they invented it and how lame would that be if even the inventor cannot understand their own sport? So out of embarrasment they watch it all day long although even the players don't know what's going on. From what I gather though, someone throws a ball to someone else, and he hits it on the head with a bat and runs around like crazy. If the ball goes to the viewers and hits someone, the team scores. It is a particularly violent sport and many a viewer has died from it.

Basketball

You all know basketball, it's like when your boss at work gives you a document for you to sign and whatever and you say "fuck this" and roll it up into a ball and you throw it at the bin and you miss, only these people do it with a ball and get paid for that. So yeah, I guess you lose there.

Boxing

Punch the shit out of people. Last person alive wins.

Canoeing

You get in a small boat called a canoe and try not to get hit on the head from some poles sticking out of the ceiling while floating around trying not to drown.

Cycling

You get on your bike and run in circles. When you realise you aren't going anywhere you stop, and the fastest person to realise that wins.

Equestrian

Equestrian means "something to do with horses" and so you understand that you get on a horse and make it do crap like jump around and look happy and roll over. If the horse is in heat you lose, because its dick knocks over all the wooden things when it jumps over them.

Fencing

Fencing is a wussy sport where you try to stab each other, only the swords don't work and you have flashing lights on your helmet and guns aren't even allowed, so noone ever dies. That sucks.

Football

Football is the best sport ever (not that crap Americans call football, that's just team boxing with a ball thrown in for distraction) because Greece is European Champion 2004. We are getting our ass kicked in the Olympics by everyone, including Mali, but that's just because the team is not the original Greek team but some 16 year old kids.

Gymnastics

Gymnastics is where you jump around and hang from stuff. All men in Gymnastics are gay, and the women have no tits, nice asses though. The one who jumps around the most wins.

Handball

Handball is like football only it's played with the hands, hence the name. We sometimes win at it, so I guess it's OK.

Hockey

Hockey is gay, it's like football but you have sticks and the ball is so small you can't even see it. Nobody watches that unless we somehow win a medal, then it will rock.

Judo

Judo is the art of laying someone on their back. It is especially useful for man vs woman, when you want to get laid. We got a golden medal there, so it's quite good.

Modern Pentathlon

No idea what this is, but from the name I will assume that they do five things at once, maybe like sing and spin plates on their noses or something.

Rowing

Rowing is, as the nursery rhyme says, where you row your boat gently down the stream, only not so gently. You row like a motherfucker, because if the others catch you, it's your ass.

Sailing

Sailing is great, we got one gold medal already and we're probably getting more, so it's one of my favorites. You get on your yacht and you try to finish before all the others. A sport for rich people only, obviously.

Shooting

Shooting is more or less known, you get a gun and shoot pigeons. The more you shoot the better it is, and sometimes you can eat some if you get lucky and they fall near you.

Softball

Seriously, what is this crap? Who has ever heard of softball? I saw a picture once and there are people with bats in the field, kind of like baseball, and also they both end in -ball. Other than that, all the Greek players have American names, so it can't be very good. Probably a fake sport.

Table Tennis

This is what Forrest Gump (god that movie sucked) played, only without the special effects, these guys actually use a ball. It's like tennis on a small scale, invented for people who are too lazy to walk three meters across the field to hit the ball. It's always funny to watch asians play it, because they make these funny noises whenever they hit the ball, or maybe they are talking.

Taekwondo

Taekwondo is another beat-em-up sport where you try to kick the shit out of people. I have not seen it yet but I think it hasn't begun yet. I will keep you posted.

Tennis

Tennis is great because the Lena Daniilidou is hot. It is mildly entertaining because nobody wants the ball here either but instead of just letting it pass, they hit it and send it towards the other player, so it's mostly a game of vengeance.

Triathlon

Like the pentathlon, but they do three things at a time instead of five. Easier.

Volleyball

Volleyball is great, and beach volley even more so. The chicks of beach volley all have great bodies, and even if their faces look like shit they're wearing sunglasses so huge that you can't see their face at all. People who can't afford cable watch beach volley to get off. Perverts.

Weightlifting

Weightlifting is great because we win most of the time. You get in there, lift a huge weight, and win. Nasty chicks though.

Wrestling

Wrestling is like Judo, but more Greek. You still try to lay people on their backs but the names of the moves are not Japanese and the athletes are shorter and wear those ridiculous uniforms.

That's it for today, I hope you have a much better understanding of all the Olympic Sports now. Pay for our Games, drink Coca-Cola.

Winning her back.

Inspired by the previous post, I decided to write this guide for all you blokes who are barely presentable enough to get a chick, but not enough to keep her. This guide aims to enable you to win her back after she has inevitably dumped you.
The basic thing to remember is that women like real men (don't worry, there may be hope). So, whatever you do, act like a man. It may be hard, but you have to try. I will now give you a few examples of how you should act if you want to win the egoistical ho back.
Wrong: Calling her and saying "Please forgive me, I know I can do better."
Right: Calling her and saying "Fuck, I didn't get a date tonight. If you wanna fuck, come by my place."
This makes multiple points with one statement. First of all, it shows her that you get laid more frequently than a $1 hooker. Secondly, it shows that you couldn't give a fuck if she wants to fuck or not, because of the first statement. And thirdly, it shows you know how to use a phone. Chicks dig that.

Wrong: Saying "If you come back, I will give you the sun and the moon and all my money."
Right: Saying "What the fuck, why am I even talking to you? Excuse me, but a chick whose name I don't know is in my bed waiting for me."
This demonstrates that for one, you really don't want to talk to her, and also you have a chick whom you just met in your bed. This makes her mad because it hurts her ego, and makes her jealous that you are over her already. Women really hate that shit.

Wrong: Saying "I have been so lonely since you left!"
Right: Saying "I porked a fat chick yesterday. She reminded me of you a lot."
The aforementioned statement lets her know that not only do you get laid a lot, but also with ugly fat chicks who remind you of her. That makes her realise that you not only have low standards when it comes to women, but these low standards were what made you approach her in the first place. That will get her to realise that she doesn't deserve better than you.

Wrong: Giving her gifts and seeking her attention.
Right: Giving other women gifts and getting their attention.
This way she sees that you couldn't care less about her and that other women like you a whole lot. She will then surely realise what a big catch you are and beg you on her knees to take her back.

The above situations are only an example of what you must do in any other situation in order to get her back. Let's face it though, if you were this popular, she wouldn't have left you anyway, and the mere fact that she left you means that she doesn't care about you, so the only thing you can do is beg her to take you back so you can buy her presents and kiss her on the cheek sometime while she fucks football players. Good luck with that.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Fellow, uh, people that can read. Today I would like to shed some light on the pressing issue of PEOPLE WHO BITCH ABOUT PEOPLE WHO USE CAPS A LOT. If you consider the difference between capital and small letters, you will realise that capitals are only a few millimeters higher than small letters. That having been said, whenever I try to utter a few words in capitals, I get reactions similar to OH MY GOD, HE IS USING CAPS! HELP! SLIGHTLY LARGER LETTERS! CALL THE AUTHORITIES! Calm down, people. It's not the end of the world! I understand that a common use of capital letters is to convey shouting, but the psychological effect seems to be so strong that some people act like you shouted profane obscenities in their ear. I would suggest seeking professional help. Until you do that, please, please PLEASE don't act like I dismembered, burned and then raped 9 members of your family. Thank you.

English lessons.

As you may already know, Greeks invented many things, including but not limited to the Olympics, all the languages, and the entire world. So who better than a Greek (me) to teach you some basic English.

Lesson 1: You're vs Your

You're means you are. It is easy to remember if you think of the apostrophe as an a. That way, it becomes youare, which is easier for people of your intelligence (or lack thereof) to remember.
Example: You're a whore.
Your is the possessive form, indicating that you own something. The basic rule of thumb for this is: "Whenever you write 'your', delete it and use 'you are' and vice-versa."
Example: Your daughter is a bigger whore than even yourself.

Lesson 2: Who vs Whom

There is not a chance in hell that you will ever be able to learn the difference between the two, so just use who, unless you want to appear knowledgeable, in which case you will fail anyway, so you can use either. Hint: "I boned mai sister 2day, whom i luv veri much." doesn't work very well.

Lesson 3: It's vs Its

This one is a long shot, but let me try. It's means it is. You can remember this by thinking of the apostrophe as an i, which will make it itis.
Example: It's not odd that your kid is a retard, since you married your sister.
Its again indicates possession, i.e. that you own something. Again the rule of thumb is: "Whatever you want to use, it's wrong. Use the other one."
Example: Wow, you have a really small dick. Its length is about 3 centimeters.

Lesson 4: Murder is illegal

Please do not murder your language every time you speak. It's not u, it's you. It's not tho or b4 or ne1, it's though and before and anyone. If you don't know how each word is spelled, there are institutions that can teach you. They're called schools, go to one.

Lesson 5: Use embellishments sparingly

Don't get me wrong, I am all for using smileys and all that crap, they convey emotion very effectively. The sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! will get you beat up, while the sentence You are a motherfucking asshole! :P will (hopefully) not. A beating is not a small thing to avoid with just a colon and a P.
However, things like the hideous japanese manga face things like ^^ or ^_^ are NOT permitted. The only things this conveys are "I have a face" and "I am a retarded American kid that would like to be Japanese because of all the superpowers they have." Avoid the use of these abominations at all costs.

I hope against hope that this clears things up for you somewhat, so I will not have to tell your mom that you stay up late jerking off to shemale porn.
Suggestions/corrections are welcome, send them to billgates@microsoft.com.

What is the world coming to?

It's yesterday. I'm on my newbie (whenever I'm on a low level char I act like a newbie, it's psychological, shut up and read). I'm stranded at the square and I desperately need to get back to the hq, but I'm out of recalls. There are about 10 people there, so I'm thinking, "one of these good people is bound to have a recall on him", so I politely say "OMFG GIVE ME A RECALL I'M STRANDED". Nobody responded, so I kept repeating my polite request a for a couple of minutes, at which time I got a response, although it was not at all what I expected. Instead of giving me a recall, people tried to convince me that I didn't need one, sort of like the opposite of telemarketers.
The conversation was something like this:
-Why do you want a recall, it brings you north of here anyway.
-NO IM BAALI I HAVE TO GET TO HQ
-Why not just portal?
-IM LEV 10 I AM A THEIF PLZ GIVE ME RECALL
-Just use your mage to make a portal.
-ITS FAR AWAY I CANNOT MAKE PORTALK PLZ HELP
-Just go 8w of here and portal to Bukken.
You can imagine my frustration, since this entire conversation could have been avoided with his giving me a recall. He was an av warrior, so I'm sure he had some, but nooooo... Whoever said that crap about giving a man a fish and teaching them to fish, never MUDded. I WANT A FUCKING FISH, JUST GIVE IT TO ME.
After a few minutes I found a kind soul that wanted to help. "Great!", I thought. "My torment is finally over!". But, o cruel fate! Little did I know that this person also had read too much Chinese philosophy, and he was confused with all the fishes and men. He tried to teach me how to buy recalls. He prompted me to walk southward with him, but I promptly ignored his suggestions and waited patiently for some charitable person to aid me in my quest for recall. All my ordermates were walking past the square without so much as looking at me, which infuriated me even more and urged me to comment kindly on their behaviour, offering constructive criticism such as "YOU SUX", "UP URS" and "DIE FAGG0R". Unfortunately, they chose not to heed my advice, and left me to my begging, much like a cheap whore trying to score a trick.
When I finally realised that noone was going to help me, I decided to swallow my pride and go buy a recall. The helpful fish person was still 2 south urging me to follow him west, which I did. After a bit of useless wandering about, we reached the recall selling place, and I bought one and recall.
What is the world coming to? I remember in the olden days, when you would so much as imply that you needed a recall and not only 10 people would give you bags full of them, but dozens of people would trans you portalfuls of recalls. These youngsters have no sense of morality whatsoever. I tried to teach them some manners a while ago (some of you may remember the Murders in Rue Newb) but unfortunately not only did I fail miserably, but what was meant to be a valuable life's lesson ended up with me getting helled for 15 days (for the first time in my career, I might add). I don't know what we can do, if you have any ideas feel free to comment on this.

I live too!

Hello, I am Poromenos, I am the guy above. I am here, and we should start writing serious stuff now, I think.